Then Reveals It Only Covers One Tooth
Patients have been left open-mouthed after a dental surgery introduced a revolutionary Pay-Per-Tooth pricing system.
The practice has been advertising:
COMPLETE DENTAL CHECK-UP — ONLY £25!
Unfortunately, the word “complete” refers to the examination.
Not the number of teeth.
The £25 price covers one tooth.
Patients wishing to have the remainder of their mouth examined must pay separately.
Albert Immerson booked an appointment immediately.
He brushed twice before leaving.
That turned out to be the cheapest part of the experience.
Which Tooth Would You Like Us to Check?
Receptionist Sandra Molar greeted Albert warmly.
“Good morning. You’re here for the £25 check-up?”
“Yes.”
“Excellent. Which tooth?”
Albert looked confused.
“All of them.”
Sandra laughed.
“Oh, you’d need our Whole Mouth Package.”
“How much is that?”
She turned her monitor towards him.
ONE TOOTH — £25
FOUR TEETH — £89
HALF MOUTH — £299
WHOLE MOUTH — £649
TEETH YOU’VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT — £35 EACH
Albert stared at the screen.
“I’ve only got 28 teeth.”
Sandra smiled.
“Excellent. You’re already saving money.”
The Waiting Room
Albert sat down.
Five minutes later, a television displayed:
YOUR DENTIST IS RUNNING 20 MINUTES LATE
Underneath appeared:
EXTENDED WAITING ROOM EXPERIENCE — £5
Albert approached reception.
“Why am I paying because the dentist is late?”
Sandra looked puzzled.
“You’re using our chair.”
Albert stood up.
Sandra tapped her keyboard.
Standing in Clinical Reception Area — £3.
Albert sat back down.
Open Wide
Eventually, dentist Dr Trevor Drill invited Albert into the surgery.
“Which tooth are we examining today?”
Albert pointed randomly.
“That one.”
Trevor examined it for approximately seven seconds.
“Looks fine.”
He removed his gloves.
Albert sat upright.
“That’s it?”
“That’s your £25 examination.”
“What about the tooth next to it?”
Trevor smiled.
“Would you like me to look?”
“Yes.”
“Another £25.”
Albert closed his mouth immediately.
Optional Extras
Trevor handed Albert the treatment menu.
Dental Mirror Usage — £8
Dentist’s Light — £6
Reclining Chair — £12
Paper Bib — £4
Protective Glasses — £3
Rinsing Cup — £2
Water in Rinsing Cup — £1.50
Spitting — £2
Swallowing Instead — Free
Albert looked at Trevor.
“You charge people to spit?”
“Specialist waste disposal.”
Albert swallowed.
“Excellent choice,” said Trevor.
The X-Ray
Trevor suggested an X-ray.
“How much?”
“£45.”
“That seems reasonable.”
“Per tooth.”
Albert nearly swallowed the rinsing cup.
“What if you photograph several teeth at once?”
Trevor shook his head.
“The machine might see them, but you haven’t paid us to interpret them.”
“So you deliberately ignore the other teeth?”
“Professionally.”
Albert Needs a Filling
Unfortunately, Trevor discovered a small cavity.
“Nothing serious,” he explained. “A straightforward filling.”
“How much?”
“£90.”
Albert relaxed.
Then Trevor continued.
“Plus £30 drilling.”
“Drilling isn’t included in a filling?”
“No.”
“How do you put the filling in?”
“That’s why most people purchase drilling.”
There was more.
Anaesthetic — £35
Needle — £12
Actual Injection — £18
Keeping Mouth Open — £5
Closing Mouth Afterwards — Complimentary
Albert appreciated the complimentary part.
The Pain Package
Trevor asked whether Albert wanted anaesthetic.
“Obviously.”
“Standard or Premium?”
Albert frowned.
“What’s Standard?”
“We numb approximately 70% of the area.”
“And Premium?”
“Everything.”
“How much?”
“£59.”
“What happens if I choose Standard?”
Trevor picked up the drill.
Albert chose Premium.
Tooth Removal Special
On the wall was another advertisement:
TOOTH EXTRACTION — FROM £75
Albert had learned enough by now to ask questions.
“What does £75 include?”
“Removing the tooth.”
“Completely?”
Trevor hesitated.
“Most of it.”
Albert stared at him.
Trevor pointed to the price list.
ROOT REMOVAL UPGRADE — £40
TAKING TOOTH HOME — £10
NOT TAKING TOOTH HOME — £5 DISPOSAL FEE
Dental Membership
Patients worried about mounting costs can join the practice’s Smile Platinum Club for £49.99 per month.
Benefits include:
One complimentary toothbrush annually.
10% discount on selected teeth.
Priority access to the waiting room.
Unlimited smiling between appointments.
And a birthday email from Sandra.
Albert asked whether treatment was included.
Trevor laughed for almost a minute.
The Final Bill
Albert’s £25 check-up eventually became:
One tooth examination — £25
Second tooth accidental viewing — £25
Dental mirror — £8
Light — £6
Reclining chair — £12
Bib — £4
Rinsing cup — £2
Water — £1.50
Waiting room — £5
Standing briefly — £3
TOTAL: £91.50
Albert hadn’t actually had any treatment.
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after Sandra asked whether he’d like to book his next check-up in six months.
“Will it still be £25?”
“Absolutely.”
Albert smiled.
Sandra looked at her computer.
“Oh dear.”
“What?”
“You smiled.”
“So?”
“You’re no longer in the treatment room.”
Albert waited.
Sandra handed him another invoice.
Unauthorised Post-Treatment Smiling — £7.50
Albert stopped smiling.
Sandra tapped the keyboard again.
Customer Dissatisfaction Administration Fee — £5.
Albert has decided his next dental examination will be considerably cheaper.
He’s bought a mirror.
Unfortunately, Trevor’s practice has just announced a £15 Self-Diagnosis Licence.