Sitting Down Is Now Considered a Luxury Upgrade
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Coffee drinkers have reacted with disbelief after a café chain introduced a new pricing system where customers can buy a cup of coffee for £2.99 — but sitting down to drink it costs extra.
The scheme has been launched by Costa Fortune Coffee, whose windows proudly advertise:
COFFEE FROM ONLY £2.99!
And the coffee really does cost £2.99.
Unfortunately, the cup doesn’t.
Neither does the table.
Or the chair.
Or, as Albert Immerson discovered, taking too long to drink it.
Albert immediately went inside to investigate.
He ordered one coffee.
It cost him £21.74.
One Coffee, Please
Albert approached the counter, where barista Mocha Moneypenny greeted him.
“What can I get you?”
“Just a regular coffee, please.”
“Certainly. £2.99.”
Excellent.
Albert tapped his card.
Mocha placed an empty cup on the counter.
Albert waited.
Mocha waited.
“Where’s the coffee?”
“You’ve purchased it.”
“Where is it?”
“Cup Rental is £1.”
Albert stared at the cup.
“You’ve already put the cup there.”
“Yes.”
“But I can’t have it?”
“You can have the coffee without the cup.”
“How?”
Mocha pointed towards Albert’s hands.
Albert paid the £1.
Milk Is Extra
Mocha poured the coffee.
“Milk?”
“Yes, please.”
“Standard, semi-skimmed or premium?”
“What’s premium milk?”
“Exactly the same milk in a little stainless-steel jug.”
“How much?”
“£1.”
“And ordinary milk?”
“50p.”
Albert selected ordinary.
“Sugar?”
“One.”
“25p.”
Albert sighed.
“What if I don’t have sugar?”
“Nothing.”
“Excellent.”
“Sugar Decline Administration is 10p.”
Albert took the sugar.
Would Sir Like to Sit Down?
Albert carried his coffee towards an empty table.
Mocha shouted:
“Sir!”
Albert stopped.
“Have you purchased Seating Access?”
“No.”
“That’s £2.50.”
Albert looked around.
There were approximately twenty empty tables.
“So I’m paying £2.50 to sit on an empty chair?”
“No, sir.”
Albert relaxed.
“The chair is separate.”
“How much?”
“£1.50.”
“So what’s £2.50 for?”
“The table.”
Albert looked at his coffee.
“Do I need a table?”
“Not necessarily.”
“Can I just sit on the chair?”
“Certainly.”
“Fine.”
Mocha tapped her screen.
CHAIR-ONLY DINING SURCHARGE — £2
Albert bought the table.
Premium Tables
Albert sat near the window.
A small light flashed underneath the table.
His phone beeped.
WINDOW TABLE UPGRADE — £1.50
Albert immediately moved to another table.
Another beep.
TABLE CHANGE — £1
He moved back.
SECOND TABLE CHANGE — £2
Albert stopped moving.
Movement was clearly dangerous.
The Wi-Fi
A sign on the wall proudly announced:
FREE WI-FI
Albert opened his laptop.
The network appeared:
COSTA_FORTUNE_FREE_WIFI
He connected.
A webpage appeared:
WI-FI CONNECTION — FREE
Albert smiled.
Underneath:
INTERNET ACCESS — £3.99 PER HOUR
He called Mocha over.
“You advertise free Wi-Fi.”
“Yes.”
“But the internet costs £3.99.”
“Correct.”
“So what can I do with the free Wi-Fi?”
“Connect to it.”
“And then?”
“Admire the connection.”
Albert closed the laptop.
WI-FI EARLY DISCONNECTION — 50p.
Drinking Too Slowly
Albert took a sip of coffee.
He read the newspaper.
Five minutes later, his table beeped.
A screen appeared:
AVERAGE DRINKING SPEED BELOW TARGET
Albert frowned.
Then:
TABLE OCCUPANCY TIMER ACTIVATED
First 15 minutes — Free
15–30 minutes — £2
30–45 minutes — £4
Over 45 minutes — Second Drink Purchase Required
Albert called Mocha.
“Why are you timing me?”
“We need tables available for other customers.”
Albert looked around.
Nineteen tables were empty.
“What other customers?”
Mocha glanced around.
“They could arrive.”
The Toilet
Coffee did what coffee does.
Albert headed towards the toilet.
A keypad blocked the door.
CUSTOMERS — £1
NON-CUSTOMERS — £3
Albert returned to Mocha.
“I am a customer.”
“Yes.”
“So why am I paying?”
“Customer Toilet Rate.”
“I’ve already bought coffee!”
“That’s why you save £2.”
Albert reluctantly paid.
Inside, another sign read:
TOILET PAPER — 20p PER THREE SHEETS
SOAP — 30p
HAND DRYER — 50p
MIRROR USE — 25p
Albert avoided looking at himself.
He was frightened there might be a camera.
Loyalty Card
Back at the counter, Mocha offered Albert a loyalty card.
“Buy ten coffees and your eleventh is free.”
“That sounds good.”
“It is.”
Albert accepted.
“Loyalty Card Activation — £2.”
Albert handed it back.
“Loyalty Card Cancellation — £1.”
He took it again.
Mocha smiled.
“Excellent choice.”
Albert wasn’t sure anymore.
The Free Biscuit
Mocha suddenly appeared carrying a small biscuit.
“Complimentary biscuit, sir.”
Albert became suspicious.
“Free?”
“Completely.”
“No charges?”
“None.”
Albert ate it.
Mocha tapped her screen.
BISCUIT PLATE RENTAL — 75p
Albert looked down.
The biscuit had indeed arrived on a tiny plate.
“You said the biscuit was free!”
“It was.”
“What happens if I hadn’t used the plate?”
“You could have taken the biscuit directly from my hand.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Advice is £1.”
The Coffee Gets Cold
After twenty minutes, Albert’s coffee was cold.
He approached the counter.
“Could you warm this up?”
“Certainly.”
“How much?”
“Coffee Reheating — £1.”
Albert paid.
Mocha put the cup in a microwave for twenty seconds.
She handed it back.
It was now approximately the temperature of molten steel.
Albert waited for it to cool.
His table timer beeped.
EXTENDED TABLE OCCUPANCY — £2
Albert realised he’d paid £1 to make his coffee too hot to drink and another £2 while waiting for it to become drinkable again.
This was outstanding work.
The Final Bill
Albert added everything together:
Coffee — £2.99
Cup — £1
Milk — 50p
Sugar — 25p
Table — £2.50
Chair — £1.50
Window table — £1.50
Table changes — £3
Wi-Fi disconnection — 50p
Extended table occupancy — £2
Toilet — £1
Toilet paper — 20p
Soap — 30p
Hand dryer — 50p
Loyalty card — £2
Biscuit plate — 75p
Coffee reheating — £1
TOTAL: £21.99
Albert stared at the receipt.
“My £2.99 coffee cost £21.99.”
Mocha smiled.
“But the coffee was still only £2.99.”
Albert had heard that argument before.
It appeared to be spreading.
Takeaway Is Cheaper
Albert noticed another sign:
SAVE MONEY — TAKE IT AWAY!
“Excellent,” Albert said. “Next time I’ll have takeaway.”
“Certainly.”
“No table?”
“No.”
“No chair?”
“No.”
“No occupancy fee?”
“No.”
Albert smiled.
“Much better.”
Mocha continued.
“Takeaway Cup — £2.”
Albert’s smile disappeared.
“Cup Lid — 50p.”
Albert stared at her.
“Cardboard Sleeve — 50p.”
Albert remained silent.
“Carrying Coffee Outside Premises — £1.”
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after Costa Fortune launched its newest membership:
UNLIMITED COFFEE — £29.99 A MONTH
Albert couldn’t resist asking.
“Unlimited coffee?”
“Absolutely.”
“As many cups as I want?”
“Yes.”
“No charge?”
“Coffee is completely free.”
“And the cups?”
“£1 each.”
“Milk?”
“50p.”
“Sugar?”
“25p.”
“Tables?”
“£2.50.”
“Chairs?”
“£1.50.”
“Toilet?”
“£1.”
Albert nodded.
“So the only free thing is the actual liquid?”
Mocha smiled.
“Exactly.”
Albert decided to leave.
As he reached the door, Mocha called after him:
“Have a lovely day!”
Albert turned around.
“You too!”
Her till beeped.
Albert froze.
Mocha looked at the screen.
Then smiled apologetically.
RECIPROCAL CUSTOMER COURTESY — £1
Albert walked out without another word.
Five minutes later his phone received a notification:
THANK YOU FOR VISITING COSTA FORTUNE.
You remained inside for 47 minutes.
EXTENDED CAFÉ EXPERIENCE — £4.
Albert has now bought a jar of instant coffee and a kettle.
Unfortunately, Costa Fortune has just announced its latest venture: