Financial Adviser Recommends Keeping Savings Under the Mattress… Then Opens Luxury Mattress Showroom
By Professor Penny Pincher, Financial Correspondent
Financial experts have been left scratching their heads after celebrity wealth adviser Clive Cushion unveiled what he claims is “the safest investment strategy in modern history.”
Speaking at a packed seminar entitled “Sleep Your Way to Financial Freedom,” Clive urged everyone to ignore banks, investment funds and savings accounts.
Instead, he offered one simple piece of advice.
“Keep every penny under your mattress.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Minutes later, Clive casually announced he had also become the owner of Britain’s largest luxury mattress company.
Coincidence, he insisted.
“Absolutely.”
“My financial advice has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact I sell mattresses starting at just £2,999.”
Customers can choose from an impressive range of investment products, including:
- The Savings Supreme Mattress – £1,999
- Fort Knox Deluxe – £3,499
- The Pension Pocket Pillow Top – £4,999
- The Millionaire Memory Foam Collection – £7,999
Each comes complete with a “confidential cash compartment” hidden beneath the springs.
For an additional £199, customers can upgrade to the Taxman’s Nightmare Package, featuring an extra-secret zip.
Business has been extraordinary.
One delighted customer explained,
“I’ve never slept so comfortably.”
“Mind you…”
“I’ve got £18,000 underneath me.”
Another admitted,
“I’ve started sleeping diagonally.”
“So burglars can’t work out where the money is.”
The company’s advertising campaign has been equally imaginative.
One television advert proudly proclaims:
“Why let your money earn interest… when it can support your back?”
Financial regulators were less enthusiastic.
One spokesman asked whether customers might be taking unnecessary risks.
Clive smiled confidently.
“Only if they buy the budget model.”
Professor Penny Pincher attended one of Clive’s wealth seminars to see the strategy in action.
The first hour covered “positive financial thinking.”
The second hour featured an emotional video about mattresses.
The remaining three hours took place in the showroom.
At one point an audience member asked whether inflation might reduce the value of cash kept under a mattress.
Clive replied,
“Not if you buy our inflation-resistant mattress protector.”
Another gentleman asked what happened if someone stole the mattress.
“Simple,” said Clive.
“Buy two.”
The seminar concluded with Clive’s famous “Golden Rules of Wealth.”
- Trust yourself.
- Trust your mattress.
- If in doubt…
“…buy the king-size.”
As Professor Penny Pincher prepared to leave, he noticed Clive loading another sports car outside the showroom.
“Business must be good,” he observed.
Clive grinned.
“It is.”
“I’ve discovered something fascinating.”
“Oh?”
“The quickest way to make people rich…”
“…is to sell them somewhere to hide the money they don’t have.”