New Cryptocurrency Backed Entirely by Positive Thinking

By Doris Doublecheck, Financial Correspondent

The financial world has been turned upside down following the launch of a revolutionary new cryptocurrency that its creators insist is backed not by gold, government reserves or blockchain technology…

…but entirely by positive thinking.

The digital currency, known as OptimisCoin, was unveiled at London’s Grand Conference Centre to an audience of enthusiastic investors, motivational speakers and several people who thought they were attending a yoga retreat.

Company founder Chad Prosperwell confidently addressed the audience.

“Traditional currencies are backed by assets.”

“Bitcoin is backed by computers.”

“Our currency is backed by belief.”

He paused for dramatic effect.

“And if you believe hard enough…”

“…it could be worth absolutely anything.”

The audience erupted into applause.

Several investors immediately bought £50,000 worth.

According to the company’s glossy brochure, OptimisCoin has several unique features:

• No complicated mining.
• No expensive servers.
• No electricity costs.
• No actual value.
• Unlimited optimism.

The official website proudly displays a live price chart.

Unfortunately, every time the price starts falling, employees simply stand around it chanting:

“Think higher… think higher… think higher…”

Investors insist it works.

One proudly announced,

“My portfolio has lost 98%…”

“…but I feel fantastic.”

Another claimed,

“It’s only a loss if you’re being negative.”

The company has also launched a premium subscription service called Positive Thinking Plus.

Members receive:

• Daily motivational emails.
• A digital hug.
• Exclusive inspirational quotes.
• A virtual certificate declaring them “Future Billionaires.”

For just £999 a month, customers can upgrade to the Ultra Platinum Mindset Package, where losses are automatically renamed “Temporary Success Delays.”

Professor Penny Pincher attended the company’s annual investor meeting.

When he asked what assets supported the cryptocurrency, Chad smiled.

“Confidence.”

Doris Doublecheck, tried again.

“No… I mean actual assets.”

“Oh.”

“We’ve got a coffee machine.”

Another investor stood up.

“What happens if everyone stops believing?”

Chad looked horrified.

“We’ve never discussed that.”

Financial regulators later issued a statement reminding the public that investments should usually be backed by something slightly more substantial than enthusiasm.

The company immediately responded.

“We’re working on that.”

“We’ve just hired two motivational speakers.”

Despite widespread scepticism, OptimisCoin has continued attracting investors from around the world.

Many claim they’re “manifesting financial freedom.”

Others admit they simply didn’t understand the presentation.

As Doris Doublecheck, prepared to leave the conference, every delegate was handed a complimentary gift bag.

Inside was:

• One empty wallet.
• A motivational fridge magnet.
• A certificate stating they were “Already Rich in Spirit.”

Professor Pincher looked around the room at hundreds of smiling investors.

He quietly made one final note in his notebook.

“This may well be the first investment in history…”

“…where the market crashes…”

“…but morale reaches an all-time high.”