Dodgy Dave’s Motors Offers Lifetime Warranty… Valid Until Friday

By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent

Customers at Dodgy Dave’s Motors, recently crowned “Britain’s Most Optimistically Worded Car Dealership,” have been flocking through the doors after spotting an eye-catching promise displayed across the forecourt.

“EVERY CAR COMES WITH A LIFETIME WARRANTY!”

Prospective buyers were understandably impressed.

It wasn’t until they reached the small print—written in what appeared to be six-point font—that they discovered the lifetime warranty expired at 5:00 p.m. on Friday, regardless of when the car was purchased.

Sales manager Dave “No Refund” Perkins defended the offer.

“We never said whose lifetime.”

“We were referring to the warranty’s lifetime.”

“It’s a perfectly healthy warranty… until Friday.”

The dealership also advertised several other irresistible offers:

• One careful owner (carefully avoided servicing it).
• Low mileage (the odometer stopped working years ago).
• Full service history (one oil change and a handwritten apology).
• Never raced (because it rarely started).
• Excellent tyres (at least three of them).

One delighted customer asked if the lifetime warranty covered engine failure.

“Absolutely,” replied the salesman.

“As long as the engine fails before Friday.”

Another buyer returned on Saturday morning after his gearbox fell out while reversing off the driveway.

“I’m afraid,” the receptionist explained sympathetically, “your warranty entered a peaceful retirement yesterday.”

The dealership’s finance department was equally innovative.

Customers could choose from:

• “Pay Now, Regret Later.”
• “Interest-Free*”

(*Interest-free until we calculate the interest.)

Mechanics inspecting the vehicles described them as “mechanically adventurous.”

One tester claimed the horn activated the windscreen wipers, the radio only played weather forecasts, and the sat-nav insisted every destination was “approximately somewhere over there.”

Albert Immerson visited the showroom to investigate.

He asked if any cars came with a genuine long-term guarantee.

The salesman smiled proudly.

“Of course.”

“Every vehicle is guaranteed…”

He paused dramatically.

“…to leave the forecourt.”

Albert thanked him for his time and headed for the exit.

As he reached the door, the salesman called after him.

“Come back next Monday!”

“We’re launching our new Unlimited Warranty.”

Albert asked what that meant.

“It’s unlimited…”

“…until Thursday.”