Bank Introduces £10 Fee for Not Having Enough Money to Pay Its £10 Fee
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Bank customers across Britain are checking their accounts with increasing caution following the introduction of an ingenious new banking charge:
The Insufficient Funds Fee Fee.
The system was discovered after retired window cleaner Harold Penniless checked his account on Monday morning and found he was £8 overdrawn.
His bank charged him £10 for being overdrawn.
Unfortunately, Harold didn’t have £10.
So the bank charged him another £10 for not having enough money to pay the first £10 charge.
Harold was now £28 overdrawn.
The following morning, the bank charged him £10 for that.
By Thursday, Harold owed £68.
“I only bought a packet of biscuits,” he told Dodgy Scams.
“They’ve turned into the most expensive Hobnobs in Britain.”
Albert Visits the Bank
Albert Immerson immediately visited his local branch to investigate.
He approached the counter and asked assistant manager Nigel Interest to explain the new system.
Nigel smiled professionally.
“When customers don’t have enough money, we charge them money.”
Albert paused.
“But they don’t have any money.”
“Exactly.”
“So you take money they don’t have?”
“Correct.”
“And then charge them because they don’t have the money you’ve just taken?”
Nigel nodded enthusiastically.
“You’re picking this up remarkably quickly.”
The New Price List
Albert asked to see the bank’s charges.
Nigel proudly produced a brochure entitled:
BANKING MADE SIMPLE
Inside were several exciting new services.
Insufficient Funds Fee — £10
Insufficient Funds Fee Fee — £10
Checking Your Balance Too Often — £2
Speaking to a Human Being — £8
Requesting Explanation of Charges — £12
Disagreeing With Explanation — £15
Sighing at Cashier — £3
Saying “This Is Ridiculous” — £7.50
Albert immediately realised he’d already accumulated £42.50 in charges.
The Cash Machine
Things became even stranger outside.
Albert inserted his card into the ATM and requested £20.
The machine displayed:
WITHDRAWAL FEE: £2.50
Albert reluctantly accepted.
Another message appeared:
WOULD YOU LIKE A RECEIPT?
He pressed YES.
RECEIPT PRINTING FEE: 75p
Albert pressed CANCEL.
TRANSACTION CANCELLATION FEE: £1.50
He removed his card.
The machine displayed:
EARLY CARD REMOVAL FEE: £2
Albert put the card back in.
CARD REINSERTION FEE: £1.25
Albert began talking to the machine using language Dodgy Scams is unable to reproduce before the watershed.
Premium Banking
Nigel later explained that customers could avoid many charges by upgrading to the bank’s new Platinum Absolutely-No-Charges Account.
It costs just £24.99 per month.
Albert asked whether the account genuinely had no charges.
“Absolutely.”
“So £24.99 is a charge?”
Nigel shook his head.
“It’s a membership contribution.”
“What’s the difference?”
“About £24.99.”
Harold Returns
Meanwhile, Harold returned to the branch carrying £68 in cash to clear his accidental overdraft.
Nigel counted it.
“Excellent, sir.”
Harold smiled with relief.
“Does that mean I’m back to zero?”
“Almost.”
Nigel handed him a receipt.
CASH DEPOSIT HANDLING FEE — £5
Harold stared at it.
“But I only brought the money because you said I owed you £68.”
“Correct.”
“So now I owe you another £5?”
“That’s right.”
Harold slowly put the receipt in his pocket.
“Can I close my account?”
“Certainly, sir.”
Nigel tapped his computer.
“That’ll be £15.”
Albert Discovers the Masterplan
Albert asked Nigel what would happen if a customer had absolutely no money whatsoever.
Nigel’s eyes lit up.
“We have a product specifically for them.”
“What?”
“A loan.”
Albert nodded.
“And presumably you charge interest?”
“Of course.”
“And if they can’t repay it?”
“We charge them.”
Albert closed his notebook.
It was becoming clear that the banking industry had discovered a remarkable business principle:
The less money the customer has, the more opportunities there are to charge them for it.
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after receiving his bank statement the following morning.
It contained one final entry:
DODGY SCAMS INVESTIGATION ACTIVITY FEE — £25
Albert telephoned the bank to complain.
A recorded message answered:
“Your call is important to us.”
He waited 47 minutes.
Then the line went dead.
His phone bill was £18.60.
The bank later emailed him a customer satisfaction survey.
Albert selected VERY DISSATISFIED.
A message immediately appeared:
Premium Feedback Submission — £4.99
Albert has now decided to keep his money somewhere considerably safer.
Under the mattress.