Council Introduces Premium Pavements — £2 Every Time You Walk on One
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Residents have reacted angrily after a council began charging pedestrians £2 every time they use the pavement.
The revolutionary scheme, called WalkPay, was introduced on Monday morning after officials realised thousands of people had been walking along council-owned pavements for years without paying a penny.
Council spokesman Norman Kerbstone defended the decision.
“These pavements don’t walk on themselves.”
Albert Immerson was sent to investigate.
Unfortunately, getting to the council offices cost him £14.
Walking Is No Longer Free
Under the new system, pedestrians must scan a QR code before stepping onto the pavement.
Prices start at:
Single Pavement Journey — £2
Return Journey — £3.50
Unlimited Daily Walking — £7.99
Monthly Pedestrian Pass — £49.99
Children under five walk free, provided they don’t appear to be enjoying themselves excessively.
Joggers pay double.
“Joggers use the pavement considerably faster,” Norman explained.
Albert pointed out that this meant they actually spent less time on it.
Norman immediately changed the subject.
The Two-Foot Supplement
Things became considerably worse when Albert discovered the £2 charge only covered one foot.
Using both feet requires the Standard Walking Upgrade for an additional £1.
One resident, Derek Hobble, attempted to save money by hopping to the shops.
He managed approximately 70 metres before being stopped by a council enforcement officer.
Derek was issued a £35 fine for:
Unauthorised Recreational Hopping.
“I was only trying to buy a loaf of bread,” Derek complained.
“The bread cost £1.60.”
“The journey cost me £41.”
Premium Pavement Arrives
Residents willing to spend more can subscribe to Pavement Plus.
For £79.99 a month, members receive priority access to selected paving slabs and are permitted to walk around slow pedestrians without paying the standard £1.50 Overtaking Fee.
Premium members also receive one complimentary puddle avoidance per week.
Everyone else must walk through it.
Albert asked whether wheelchair users would be charged.
Norman looked uncomfortable.
“Obviously we’ve considered accessibility.”
“And?”
“They qualify for our Wheels on Pavement package.”
Albert slowly lowered his notebook.
Crossing the Road
The council has also installed contactless payment terminals at pedestrian crossings.
Pressing the button costs 50p.
Waiting for the green man is free.
Crossing when the green man appears costs another £1.
Residents unwilling to pay can remain where they are.
One elderly gentleman has reportedly been standing outside Greggs since Tuesday.
His family are bringing him sandwiches.
Albert Finds a Loophole
Albert discovered that the regulations specifically referred to people walking on pavements.
So he borrowed a bicycle.
Within thirty seconds, he received a £60 fine for cycling on the pavement.
He then tried crawling.
A council officer consulted the regulations.
Nobody had thought of crawling.
Albert successfully travelled 400 metres completely free.
By lunchtime, approximately 200 residents were crawling through the town centre.
The council called an emergency meeting.
At 2:15 p.m., Crawling Administration Charges were introduced.
The Ultimate Question
Albert finally confronted Norman.
“Residents already pay council tax. Doesn’t that pay for pavements?”
Norman smiled.
“Council tax pays for us to provide the pavement.”
“So what’s the £2 for?”
“Using it.”
Albert stared at him.
“What’s next? Charging people for streetlights?”
Norman stopped smiling.
He opened his notebook.
“That’s actually rather good.”
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after receiving his final bill:
Walking to council offices — £14
Standing on pavement during interview — £6
Two-foot supplement — £3
Stopping unexpectedly — £2
Notebook obstruction fee — £1.50
TOTAL: £26.50
Albert refused to pay.
The council immediately added a £10 Non-Payment Processing Charge.
Albert eventually escaped by climbing into a wheelbarrow and asking a colleague to push him home.
The council is currently investigating whether this constitutes unauthorised passenger transport.