Airline Introduces Standing-Only Economy Class — Seats Now a £45 Upgrade
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Budget airline CheapoAir has unveiled a revolutionary new way of reducing ticket prices by removing something executives claim passengers have become unnecessarily dependent upon.
Seats.
Under the airline’s new Stand & Fly Economy service, passengers can travel from London to destinations across Europe from just £9.99.
The £9.99 includes the aircraft.
It includes the engines.
It includes the pilot.
It even includes oxygen in most circumstances.
But it does not include sitting down.
Passengers wanting a seat must purchase the airline’s new Luxury Sitting Upgrade for £45 each way.
Albert Books a Flight
Albert Immerson immediately booked a £9.99 flight to Spain.
During online check-in, he was presented with several options.
Would you like to sit during your flight?
YES — £45
NO — FREE
Albert selected NO.
Another message appeared:
Would you like something to hold onto?
Standard Handrail — £12
Premium Padded Handrail — £19
Both Hands Package — £29
Albert selected none.
A warning appeared:
CHEAPOAIR ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR PASSENGERS FALLING OVER DURING TURBULENCE.
Boarding Begins
At the airport, Albert discovered that boarding the aircraft also wasn’t included.
Standard Boarding — £8
Priority Boarding — £19
Extremely Priority Boarding — £29
Actually Getting on the Aircraft — £12
Albert approached a member of staff.
“I’ve already bought a ticket.”
“Yes, sir.”
“So why do I have to pay to get onto the plane?”
“The ticket covers your flight.”
“But I can’t take the flight without getting on the plane.”
The employee smiled.
“That’s why most passengers purchase the boarding upgrade.”
Welcome Aboard
Inside the aircraft, all the seats in the rear half had been removed.
Instead, passengers stood in marked rectangles on the floor.
Albert’s allocated space was 37B.
It measured approximately the same size as a doormat.
A yellow handle hung from the ceiling.
Albert reached for it.
A flight attendant immediately appeared.
“Have you purchased Handrail Access, sir?”
“No.”
“Please don’t touch airline equipment.”
Albert removed his hand.
The aircraft began moving.
Albert fell into 37C.
The passenger in 37C complained.
A flight attendant issued Albert a £15 Unauthorised Passenger Space Entry Fee.
Safety Demonstration
The cabin crew began the safety demonstration.
“In the unlikely event of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop from above.”
Albert felt reassured.
Then the announcement continued.
“Passengers who have purchased our Emergency Oxygen Package should place the mask over their nose and mouth.”
Albert raised his hand.
“What about everybody else?”
The flight attendant smiled.
“Upgrade cards are located in the seat pockets.”
Albert looked around.
There were no seats.
Refreshments
Halfway through the flight, Albert became thirsty.
Water cost £4.
The plastic cup cost £1.50.
Opening the bottle cost another £1.
Albert decided not to bother.
A flight attendant collected rubbish.
Albert handed her an empty sweet wrapper.
“That’s £2, please.”
“What for?”
“Waste Disposal.”
Albert put the wrapper back in his pocket.
“Personal Waste Storage Fee,” she replied.
“£1.”
Turbulence
Twenty minutes before landing, the aircraft encountered turbulence.
Passengers began bouncing around the cabin like socks inside a tumble dryer.
Albert grabbed the overhead handrail instinctively.
The flight attendant appeared almost immediately.
“Sir.”
Albert was hanging on for his life.
“Yes?”
“You haven’t purchased Handrail Access.”
“The plane is shaking!”
“I understand.”
“I’ll fall over!”
“Premium Emergency Grip is available for £24.99.”
Albert reluctantly tapped his bank card.
The turbulence stopped immediately.
Arrival Package
As the aircraft approached Spain, another announcement was made.
“We hope you’ve enjoyed your flight.”
Passengers applauded.
“Customers who have purchased our Arrival Package may remain onboard for landing.”
Albert froze.
He hadn’t purchased it.
“What happens to everyone else?”
A flight attendant handed him a payment terminal.
STANDARD LANDING — £39.99
SMOOTH LANDING — £54.99
LANDING WITH APPLAUSE — £69.99
Albert paid £39.99.
The aircraft landed normally.
A man three rows ahead had paid £69.99.
The cabin crew applauded him personally.
The Final Cost
Albert calculated his £9.99 bargain flight.
Flight — £9.99
Boarding — £12
Unauthorised passenger space — £15
Water — £4
Cup — £1.50
Bottle opening — £1
Personal waste storage — £1
Emergency handrail — £24.99
Landing — £39.99
TOTAL: £109.47
And he had stood up for the entire flight.
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after discovering CheapoAir’s next cost-saving innovation.
From September, passengers will be offered:
FLY THE PLANE YOURSELF — FROM £4.99
Albert asked the airline’s chief executive whether passengers would need a pilot’s licence.
“Only with the Premium Package.”
Albert has decided to take the train home.
Unfortunately, CheapoAir has just announced that it is considering buying the railway.