Council Introduces Sunshine Licence — Residents Must Pay £80 a Year to Enjoy Good Weather
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Residents have been left hot under the collar after their local council announced that anyone wishing to enjoy sunshine in a public place must now purchase an annual Sunshine Licence for £80.
The scheme came into force after officials noticed that thousands of people were sitting in parks, relaxing on benches and generally enjoying pleasant weather without the council receiving any money whatsoever.
Council spokesman Gerald Sunbeam defended the decision.
“Sunshine is a valuable community resource. We simply cannot have people enjoying it willy-nilly.”
Albert Immerson immediately went outside to investigate.
Unfortunately, it was sunny.
He was fined within seven minutes.
Welcome to SunPay
Residents wishing to venture outdoors on a sunny day must now choose from several packages.
Basic Sunshine — £2 per hour
Allows exposure to direct sunlight, but smiling is prohibited.
Sunshine Plus — £4.50 per hour
Includes unlimited smiling and one complimentary ice cream shadow.
Annual Sunshine Licence — £80
Unlimited daylight between April and September.
Premium Summer Package — £149
Includes sunshine, sitting on grass and permission to say:
“Lovely weather, isn’t it?”
Albert asked Gerald whether people really needed permission to comment on the weather.
“Of course not,” Gerald replied.
“You can say whatever you like.”
Albert looked relieved.
“However, positive weather comments require the Premium Package.”
Enforcement Begins
Council Sunshine Enforcement Officers have been issued with special light meters.
Anyone found receiving more than 15 minutes of direct sunlight without payment receives an £80 Fixed Sunshine Penalty.
Albert watched an officer approach an elderly lady sitting on a park bench.
“Licence, please.”
The woman looked confused.
“I’m feeding the ducks.”
“That’s fine, madam. Duck feeding remains free.”
She smiled.
“Thank goodness.”
“But you’re currently receiving approximately 600 watts of sunlight.”
The woman looked upwards.
“That’s not mine.”
The officer consulted his machine.
“It’s landing on your cardigan.”
She received an £80 fine.
The ducks escaped without charge.
Cloud Cover Complications
Residents asked what happens when the sun disappears behind a cloud.
Gerald explained that temporary cloud cover does not pause the meter.
“You’re paying for sunshine availability,” he said.
“Not sunshine delivery.”
Albert stared at him.
“So if it’s cloudy all day?”
“Your licence remains valid.”
“What if it rains?”
“Still valid.”
“Thunderstorm?”
“Absolutely.”
“What if I don’t see the sun for three months?”
Gerald smiled.
“That’s British weather, sir. We don’t control that.”
Albert wrote this down very slowly.
The Shade Loophole
Albert discovered the regulations only applied to people standing in direct sunlight.
He immediately moved beneath a tree.
A council officer appeared.
“Good afternoon, sir.”
Albert smiled triumphantly.
“I’m in the shade.”
“Correct.”
“So I don’t need a Sunshine Licence.”
“No.”
Albert folded his arms.
“Excellent.”
The officer handed him another ticket.
Unauthorised Council Tree Shade — £3.50
Beach Charges
The council has also introduced special seaside pricing.
Sunbathing costs £5 an hour.
Removing your shirt costs another £2.
Applying sunscreen attracts a £1 Personal Solar Protection Administration Fee.
Building a sandcastle remains free, provided it is under 30cm high.
Anything larger requires planning permission.
Children have been particularly affected.
Eight-year-old Tommy Bucket was ordered to dismantle his sandcastle after council inspectors classified it as a two-bedroom coastal development.
His parents have appealed.
Solar Panels Cause Confusion
The scheme ran into difficulty when homeowner Derek Watt asked whether his rooftop solar panels needed a Sunshine Licence.
Gerald confirmed they did.
“But I’m generating electricity,” Derek protested.
“Using council sunshine.”
“The council doesn’t own the sun!”
Gerald looked genuinely shocked.
“That’s precisely the sort of attitude that makes licensing necessary.”
Derek was subsequently offered a Commercial Sunshine Licence for £299.
Albert Investigates Ownership
Albert eventually asked the question nobody at the council seemed prepared for.
“Who actually owns the sun?”
Gerald shuffled several papers.
“Well… technically nobody.”
“So how can you charge people for using it?”
Gerald smiled.
“We’re not charging for the sun.”
“What are you charging for?”
“The administrative process of allowing you to enjoy it.”
Albert closed his notebook.
He had heard enough.
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after discovering the council’s latest proposal.
From October, residents will be able to purchase the new:
WINTER DAYLIGHT PACKAGE — £39.99
This guarantees access to daylight between sunrise and sunset.
Albert pointed out that daylight is already available between sunrise and sunset.
Gerald nodded.
“Exactly.”
“So what am I getting for £39.99?”
Gerald leaned back in his chair.
“Peace of mind.”
Albert left the building.
Outside, the sun was still shining.
A council officer immediately approached him.
“Sunshine Licence, sir?”
Albert opened his umbrella.
The officer frowned, consulted his handbook and handed him another ticket.
£5 — UNSEASONAL UMBRELLA USAGE.
Albert is now conducting all future council investigations after dark.