Doctor’s Surgery Launches Premium Waiting Room — £19.99 a Month to Be Ignored in a Better Chair
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Patients have reacted with confusion after a doctor’s surgery launched a new Premium Waiting Room Membership, promising subscribers an enhanced experience while waiting three weeks for an appointment.
For just £19.99 a month, members receive:
A more comfortable chair.
That’s basically it.
The scheme has been introduced by Eventually Medical Centre, whose new slogan reads:
“Your Health. Our Priority. Your Appointment… Eventually.”
Albert Immerson immediately booked an appointment to investigate.
The earliest available slot was six weeks later.
He joined the Premium Waiting Room while he waited.
Making an Appointment
Albert telephoned reception at exactly 8 a.m.
A recorded message announced:
“You are number 47 in the queue.”
Albert waited.
After 28 minutes:
“You are number 46.”
After another 17 minutes:
“You are number 45.”
At 9:13 a receptionist called Brenda Clipboard answered.
“Eventually Medical Centre.”
“I’d like to see a doctor.”
“Is it urgent?”
“Not particularly.”
“Excellent. November.”
Albert paused.
“It’s August.”
“Yes.”
“What if it IS urgent?”
“October.”
The Premium Option
Brenda explained that Albert could join Eventually Plus for £19.99 a month.
“What do I get?”
“Priority healthcare experience.”
“Does that mean I see the doctor sooner?”
“No.”
“Longer appointment?”
“No.”
“Better treatment?”
“No.”
“What exactly is premium?”
“The chair.”
Albert joined immediately.
This required investigation.
Appointment Day
Six weeks later, Albert arrived at reception.
“Name?”
“Albert Immerson.”
“Date of birth?”
Albert answered.
“Address?”
Albert answered.
“Phone number?”
Albert answered.
Brenda looked at the screen.
“Yes, we’ve already got all that.”
Albert stared at her.
“Then why did you ask?”
“Identity verification.”
“How does telling you information you already know verify who I am?”
Brenda smiled.
“That’s confidential.”
Standard Waiting Room
The standard waiting room contained twelve plastic chairs, seven outdated magazines and a plant that appeared to have died during the previous government.
A television displayed:
DR SMITH — RUNNING 15 MINUTES LATE
Albert checked his watch.
His appointment had been 45 minutes ago.
He approached Brenda.
“The screen says 15 minutes.”
“Yes.”
“But I’ve been waiting 45.”
Brenda nodded.
“The screen is also running 30 minutes late.”
Welcome to Premium
Albert showed his Eventually Plus membership.
Brenda pressed a button.
A velvet rope opened.
Behind it was the Premium Waiting Area.
It contained exactly the same room.
Except the chairs had cushions.
There was also a coffee machine.
Albert pressed COFFEE.
A message appeared:
PREMIUM COFFEE — £2.50
“But I’m a Premium member.”
“Yes.”
“So why isn’t the coffee included?”
“Membership gives you access to the coffee machine.”
Albert looked at the machine.
“And the £2.50?”
“That gives you access to the coffee.”
Waiting Upgrades
On the wall was another price list.
STANDARD WAITING — INCLUDED
COMFORTABLE WAITING — £5
WAITING NEAR A WINDOW — £3
WAITING NEAR POWER SOCKET — £4
WAITING WITHOUT CHILDREN’S TOYS MAKING NOISE — £7
GUARANTEED MAGAZINE LESS THAN TWO YEARS OLD — £2
CHAIR WITHOUT SOMEBODY COUGHING BESIDE YOU — £9.99
Albert selected the last option.
It seemed medically sensible.
Albert Is Called
Eventually, a voice announced:
“ALBERT IMMERSION, ROOM FOUR.”
Albert stood.
Then stopped.
Immersion?
He approached reception.
“Did you mean Immerson?”
Brenda checked.
“Yes.”
“You’ve got my name wrong.”
“Would you like us to correct it?”
“Obviously.”
Brenda tapped her keyboard.
PATIENT RECORD AMENDMENT — £3
Albert sat down again.
“Why are you sitting down?”
“You called me.”
“Oh, yes.”
The Doctor
Dr Malcolm Hurry looked at his computer.
“What seems to be the problem?”
Albert explained.
The doctor nodded.
“Right.”
He began typing.
Albert continued explaining.
The doctor continued typing.
After approximately four minutes, Dr Hurry said:
“Anything else?”
“You haven’t actually looked at me.”
Dr Hurry looked up.
“There.”
Albert waited.
“What?”
“I’ve looked at you.”
The Ten-Minute Appointment
Albert’s appointment was scheduled for ten minutes.
At eight minutes, an alarm sounded on the doctor’s computer.
“What was that?”
“Two-minute warning.”
“For what?”
“Your appointment.”
Albert looked concerned.
“I haven’t finished explaining what’s wrong.”
“You can book another appointment.”
“When?”
Dr Hurry checked.
“December.”
Albert sighed.
“Can I buy more time now?”
The doctor brightened.
“Certainly.”
Consultation Extensions
A laminated card appeared.
EXTRA 5 MINUTES — £15
EXTRA 10 MINUTES — £25
DOCTOR ACTUALLY LISTENS PACKAGE — £35
DOCTOR STOPS LOOKING AT COMPUTER — £50
FULL EYE CONTACT — £75
Albert selected five minutes.
Dr Hurry pressed a button.
The timer restarted.
“Go ahead.”
Albert suddenly couldn’t remember what he’d been saying.
Prescription Service
Dr Hurry eventually prescribed medication.
“Take this to the pharmacy.”
Albert thanked him.
At reception, Brenda stopped him.
“Prescription Processing Fee.”
“How much?”
“£4.”
“But the doctor has already printed it.”
“Yes.”
“So what are you processing?”
Brenda picked up the prescription, moved it approximately eighteen inches across the desk and handed it back.
“There.”
Albert paid £4.
Test Results
The doctor also ordered a blood test.
Albert asked how he’d receive the results.
“We’ll text you if there’s a problem.”
“What if there isn’t?”
“We won’t text.”
“So if I hear nothing, everything’s fine?”
“Usually.”
“Usually?”
“Would you like guaranteed notification?”
“How much?”
TEST RESULT PEACE-OF-MIND PACKAGE — £9.99
Albert bought it.
Three days later, he received a text:
YOUR TEST RESULTS ARE AVAILABLE.
PLEASE TELEPHONE THE SURGERY.
Albert called.
“You are number 63 in the queue.”
The Final Bill
Albert calculated the cost of his Premium healthcare experience:
Eventually Plus membership — £19.99
Coffee — £2.50
Cough-Free Chair — £9.99
Name correction — £3
Extra consultation time — £15
Prescription processing — £4
Test result notification — £9.99
TOTAL: £64.47
This was in addition to waiting six weeks for the appointment.
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after receiving an email inviting him to join the surgery’s newest membership:
EVENTUALLY PLATINUM — £99 A MONTH
Benefits include:
Telephone answered within 20 minutes.
Appointments available within one month.
Unlimited comfortable chairs.
One free coffee.
Doctor remembers your name.
And the revolutionary new:
“ACTUALLY SEE A DOCTOR” GUARANTEE.
Albert telephoned Brenda.
“Surely seeing a doctor is the whole point of a doctor’s surgery?”
There was a long silence.
“That’s more of a traditional interpretation, Mr Immersion.”
“It’s Immerson.”
“Would you like me to correct that?”
“No.”
“Excellent.”
Albert hung up.
Five minutes later he received a text:
WE NOTICE YOU ENDED YOUR CALL WITHOUT COMPLETING OUR PATIENT SATISFACTION SURVEY.
Survey Avoidance Fee — £2.50.
Albert has decided to stay healthy.
Eventually Medical Centre confirms this remains completely free — for now.