Supermarket Introduces Trolley Mileage Charge — First 100 Metres Free, Then 50p Per Aisle
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Shoppers have reacted furiously after a supermarket introduced Britain’s first Pay-As-You-Push shopping trolley scheme.
Customers at Save-A-Little Supermarkets can still use a trolley completely free of charge.
For the first 100 metres.
After that, the wheels start costing money.
The supermarket claims the scheme will encourage shoppers to “make more efficient purchasing journeys.”
Albert Immerson immediately went shopping.
He needed milk, bread and toilet roll.
It cost him £18.47 to reach them.
Welcome to TrolleyPay
At the entrance, Albert found fifty brand-new electronic shopping trolleys.
Each had a screen attached to the handle.
A sign explained:
FIRST 100 METRES — FREE
THEREAFTER — 50p PER AISLE
TURNING AROUND — 25p
REVERSING — 50p
ABANDONING TROLLEY — £3
Albert selected a trolley.
The screen illuminated.
WELCOME, SHOPPER!
YOUR FREE DISTANCE STARTS NOW.
Albert hadn’t even entered the supermarket.
The Milk Problem
Milk was at the very back of the store.
Albert walked past fruit, vegetables, bakery, meat, frozen foods and something called Artisan Fermented Beetroot Experience.
His trolley beeped.
FREE DISTANCE EXCEEDED.
TROLLEY CHARGE NOW ACTIVE.
Albert continued.
Aisle 1.
50p
Aisle 2.
50p
Aisle 3.
50p
He eventually found the milk.
£1.45.
Trolley charges so far:
£3.50
The journey to the milk had cost more than twice the milk.
Special Offers
Albert noticed a sign:
BREAD — WAS £1.80, NOW ONLY £1!
Excellent.
Unfortunately, bread was six aisles away.
Albert calculated the journey.
Six aisles × 50p.
£3.
His £1 bargain loaf would effectively cost £4.
Albert asked an employee whether there was a shorter route.
“Certainly, sir.”
“Excellent.”
“Shortcut Access is £2.”
Albert stared at her.
“How much does the normal route cost?”
“Approximately £3.”
“So the shortcut saves me £1?”
“That’s why we call it a saving.”
Albert paid £2.
Standing Still
Albert stopped to compare two tins of baked beans.
His trolley beeped.
TROLLEY IDLE TIME DETECTED.
Albert looked at the screen.
FIRST 30 SECONDS — FREE
THEREAFTER — 20p PER MINUTE
He quickly grabbed one tin.
Unfortunately, it was the expensive one.
Albert put it back.
PRODUCT RETURNED TO SHELF — 25p RESTOCKING FEE.
He hadn’t even bought it.
The Wonky Wheel Upgrade
Like every supermarket trolley ever manufactured, Albert’s trolley developed a wheel that wanted to travel towards Belgium.
He complained to customer services.
“Would you like Straight-Line Steering?”
“Obviously.”
“That’s our Premium Trolley.”
“How much?”
“£2.99.”
“So the normal trolley doesn’t steer properly?”
“Oh, it steers.”
“Where?”
She shrugged.
“Various directions.”
Albert upgraded.
Trolley Features
Premium Trolley included:
Four wheels pointing roughly the same way
Handle that isn’t sticky
No mysterious squeaking noise
Reduced likelihood of pulling violently towards frozen foods
But one feature remained extra.
BRAKES — £1
Albert declined.
He regretted this decision near the wine aisle.
The Free Sample
A woman offered Albert a tiny piece of cheese on a cocktail stick.
“Would you like to try our new mature cheddar?”
“Free?”
“Completely.”
Albert ate it.
Delicious.
He took another.
The woman immediately produced a card machine.
“Second Sample — £1.”
“You said they were free!”
“The sample is free.”
“What was that?”
“A repeat sample.”
Albert stopped chewing.
“Can I put it back?”
She looked horrified.
“Food Hygiene Disposal Fee — £2.”
Albert swallowed.
Toilet Roll Disaster
Albert finally remembered the toilet roll.
It was on the opposite side of the supermarket.
He began walking.
His trolley beeped repeatedly.
AISLE CHARGE — 50p
AISLE CHARGE — 50p
AISLE CHARGE — 50p
Albert attempted to cut diagonally through the clothing department.
The trolley stopped.
A message appeared:
UNAUTHORISED CROSS-DEPARTMENT TRAVEL.
PLEASE PURCHASE CROSS-STORE ROAMING — £1.99
Albert reversed.
REVERSING FEE — 50p.
The Checkout
After 45 minutes, Albert reached the checkout.
His shopping contained:
Milk — £1.45
Bread — £1
Beans — 85p
Toilet roll — £4.50
Groceries: £7.80
Not bad.
Then the trolley displayed:
Trolley mileage — £8
Shortcut — £2
Idle time — 40p
Product restocking — 25p
Premium steering — £2.99
Reverse manoeuvre — 50p
Cross-department attempted travel — £1
Second cheese sample — £1
TROLLEY TOTAL: £16.14
Albert had spent more moving the shopping around the shop than buying it.
The Checkout Choices
Cashier Mavis Barcode began scanning Albert’s items.
“Would you like a bag?”
“How much?”
“30p.”
Albert nodded.
“Bag Opening?”
“What?”
“Another 10p.”
Albert opened it himself.
Self-Service Bag Handling — 15p.
Albert sighed.
Mavis scanned the milk.
BEEP.
Bread.
BEEP.
Beans.
BEEP.
Albert noticed another charge appearing.
ITEM SCANNING — 5p EACH
“You’re charging me to scan the food?”
“Yes.”
“Isn’t that what a checkout is for?”
Mavis smiled.
“Would you prefer self-checkout?”
“Is that free?”
“Certainly.”
Albert began moving his shopping.
Mavis continued.
“Self-Checkout Equipment Rental is £2.”
He stayed where he was.
Loyalty Card
Mavis asked:
“Do you have a Save-A-Little loyalty card?”
“No.”
“You could have saved £2.17 today.”
“Can I join?”
“Absolutely.”
“How much?”
“£3.”
Albert declined.
Mavis looked disappointed.
Loyalty Scheme Decline Administration — 50p.
Leaving the Store
Albert paid.
He pushed his trolley towards the exit.
The screen beeped one final time.
TROLLEY RETURN REQUIRED
Albert returned it to the trolley bay.
Thank you!
Then:
TROLLEY RETURN PROCESSING — £1
Albert marched back to customer services.
“You charge me to take your trolley back?”
“Yes.”
“What happens if I leave it in the car park?”
“£3 abandonment fee.”
“So either way I pay?”
The assistant smiled.
“Now you’re understanding the scheme.”
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after Save-A-Little announced its latest innovation:
SHOPPING SAT-NAV — £4.99
Customers enter their shopping list and the trolley calculates the cheapest route around the supermarket.
Albert tried it.
MILK
BREAD
BEANS
TOILET ROLL
The screen calculated for several seconds.
Then displayed:
CHEAPEST ROUTE FOUND.
Albert followed the directions.
The trolley guided him straight through the supermarket…
…and out of the front door.
Across the road was another supermarket.
Albert looked at the trolley.
The screen displayed:
YOU HAVE ARRIVED.
ESTIMATED SAVING: £14.73
Albert nodded.
For once, the technology worked perfectly.
He crossed the road.
His trolley immediately sounded an alarm:
TROLLEY LEAVING PREMISES!
INTERNATIONAL ROAMING CHARGE — £25.
Albert abandoned it.
£3.
Still cheaper.