Council Introduces £1 Pedestrian Crossing Button Fee — Pressing It Twice Costs Extra
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Pedestrians have reacted furiously after a council introduced Britain’s first Pay-to-Cross pedestrian crossing system.
Under the new scheme, pressing the button to stop traffic costs £1.
Pressing it again because absolutely nothing appears to have happened costs another £2.
Council officials insist the scheme is necessary to tackle what they describe as Britain’s growing problem of “unnecessary button pressing.”
Albert Immerson immediately went to investigate.
Unfortunately, he was on the wrong side of the road.
Welcome to CrossPay
Albert arrived at a busy junction and found a brand-new payment terminal attached to the pedestrian crossing.
The familiar button had disappeared.
In its place was a contactless card reader.
A sign explained:
STANDARD CROSSING REQUEST — £1
SECOND PRESS — £2
IMPATIENT THIRD PRESS — £5
PRESSING BUTTON REPEATEDLY — £10
SWEARING AT TRAFFIC LIGHTS — £3
Albert tapped his card.
The display responded:
THANK YOU.
YOUR CROSSING REQUEST HAS BEEN RECEIVED.
Nothing happened.
Albert Waits
Thirty seconds passed.
Cars continued roaring past.
Albert pressed the button again.
SECOND PRESS DETECTED — £2
He immediately regretted it.
Another minute passed.
Still nothing.
Albert pressed it a third time.
The machine beeped.
IMPATIENCE DETECTED.
£5 CHARGED.
A council employee standing nearby nodded disapprovingly.
“You need to be patient, sir.”
“I’ve been waiting two minutes.”
“Your crossing request is currently being processed.”
“By whom?”
“The traffic lights.”
Albert looked at the lights.
“They’re right there.”
“Very busy today.”
Crossing Packages
The council offers several levels of service.
STANDARD CROSS — £1
Green man eventually appears.
CROSS PLUS — £2.99
Green man guaranteed within three minutes.
CROSS PREMIUM — £4.99
Traffic actually stops before green man appears.
CROSS PLATINUM — £7.99
Includes extended crossing time and reduced chance of being flattened by a bus.
Albert pointed at the last option.
“Surely traffic stopping is part of a pedestrian crossing?”
Council officer Neville Bollard shook his head.
“That’s the traditional model.”
The Green Man Appears
Eventually, the red man changed to green.
Albert stepped into the road.
After approximately four seconds:
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.
The green man disappeared.
Albert was halfway across.
Traffic began moving.
He ran.
When he reached the opposite pavement, his phone beeped.
EXCESSIVE CROSSING SPEED — £1.50
Albert marched over to Neville.
“You made me run!”
Neville checked his tablet.
“Running requires our Active Pedestrian Package.”
Albert stared at him.
“How much?”
“£2 per crossing.”
Pensioner Package
Albert watched 82-year-old Doris Shuffleton approach the crossing.
She paid £1.
The green man appeared.
Doris began walking.
Halfway across, the lights changed.
She continued.
A camera flashed.
Doris eventually reached the pavement.
Her phone beeped.
CROSSING TIME EXCEEDED — £10
Albert was furious.
“She’s 82!”
Neville nodded.
“She should consider our Senior Crossing Extension.”
“How much?”
“£5 a month.”
“What does that do?”
“Gives pensioners another six seconds.”
Doris turned around.
“I need to go back.”
Neville smiled.
“Return journey isn’t included.”
Children Go Free*
The council proudly advertises:
CHILDREN CROSS FREE!
Albert thought this sounded reasonable.
Then he found the asterisk.
Children under 12 can cross free when accompanied by a paying adult.
However:
Child Hand-Holding Fee — 50p
Pushchair — £1
Scooter — £1
School Bag Over 5kg — 50p
Child Asking “Can We Go Yet?” More Than Twice — £2
Albert watched one exhausted father cross with three children.
Total cost:
£7.50
The children were free.
The Button Doesn’t Work
At another crossing, Albert paid £1.
Nothing happened.
He waited five minutes.
Still nothing.
He telephoned the number printed on the machine.
“CrossPay Customer Services.”
“The crossing isn’t working.”
“Have you pressed the button?”
“Yes.”
“Did you pay?”
“Yes.”
“Did the machine say request accepted?”
“Yes.”
“Excellent.”
“But the lights haven’t changed.”
“That sounds like a traffic-light issue.”
“Can I have my £1 back?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“The button worked.”
Albert paused.
“But the purpose of the button is to change the lights.”
“No, sir. The purpose of the button is to register your request.”
“What happens after that?”
“Different department.”
Crossing Without Paying
Albert decided to test the obvious loophole.
He waited until the road was completely empty.
Then crossed without pressing the button.
A camera flashed.
His phone beeped.
UNAUTHORISED ROAD CROSSING — £25
Neville appeared from nowhere.
“You didn’t use the crossing system.”
“There wasn’t any traffic!”
“That’s irrelevant.”
“So I have to pay £1 even when there are no cars?”
“Correct.”
“What exactly am I buying?”
Neville smiled.
“Permission.”
The Zebra Crossing Problem
Albert thought he’d beaten the system when he discovered a zebra crossing farther down the road.
No traffic lights.
No button.
No payment machine.
He stepped onto it.
A council officer emerged from behind a bus shelter.
“Zebra Crossing Usage — £2.”
Albert nearly screamed.
“There isn’t even a machine!”
“Manual collection.”
“So zebra crossings cost MORE?”
“They’re premium crossings.”
“Why?”
“No waiting for a green man.”
Albert had to admit there was a certain twisted logic to it.
Annual Membership
Regular pedestrians can save money with the council’s new:
CROSSPASS — £99 PER YEAR
Benefits include:
Unlimited button presses.
Priority green-man access.
One free zebra crossing per month.
Ten seconds additional crossing time.
No impatience charges.
And complimentary access to the council’s Pedestrian Crossing App.
Albert downloaded it.
The app immediately asked:
ALLOW CROSSPAY TO ACCESS YOUR LOCATION?
Albert selected NO.
The app responded:
LOCATION REFUSAL FEE — £1.99
The Final Bill
Albert calculated the cost of crossing the road during his investigation.
First button press — £1
Second press — £2
Third press — £5
Running across road — £2
Excessive crossing speed — £1.50
Zebra crossing — £2
Unauthorised crossing — £25
CrossPay app — Free
Location refusal — £1.99
TOTAL: £40.49
Albert had crossed the road four times.
He hadn’t actually gone anywhere.
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after discovering the council’s next proposal.
From October, pedestrians will also be charged:
WALKING ON PAVEMENT — 10p PER 100 METRES
STOPPING TO LOOK IN SHOP WINDOW — 50p
SITTING ON WALL — £1
ASKING SOMEONE FOR DIRECTIONS — £2
WALKING IN WRONG DIRECTION — £3
And the revolutionary new:
STAYING AT HOME — £5 DAILY NON-PEDESTRIAN CONTRIBUTION
Albert confronted Neville.
“So now you’re going to charge me if I DON’T go outside?”
“Correct.”
“And if I do go outside?”
“You pay to cross roads.”
“So what am I supposed to do?”
Neville thought carefully.
“Have you considered standing perfectly still?”
Albert folded his arms.
Neville’s tablet beeped.
He looked down.
“Oh dear.”
“What now?”
PROLONGED PAVEMENT OCCUPANCY — £4.
Albert walked away.
Neville shouted after him:
“Wrong direction!”
Albert’s phone beeped.
£3.
He turned around.
Another beep.
UNNECESSARY CHANGE OF DIRECTION — £2.
Albert has now stopped moving altogether.
The council is reportedly considering charging him ground rent.