Car Park Introduces £2.50 Charge for Looking for a Space — Parking Not Included
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Motorists have reacted furiously after a car park introduced a revolutionary new charging system where customers begin paying before they’ve actually found somewhere to park.
The scheme has been launched by Park & Pay Again, whose enormous entrance sign proudly advertises:
Unfortunately, the £1 covers parking.
Finding somewhere to do it is extra.
Albert Immerson immediately drove in to investigate.
By the time he found a space, he’d already spent £11.75.
Welcome to Park & Pay Again
Albert approached the barrier.
A screen illuminated:
VEHICLE DETECTED
ENTRY FEE — £2
Albert pressed the button for a ticket.
Another message appeared:
TICKET PRINTING — 50p
He stared at the machine.
“I’m being charged for the ticket that allows you to charge me?”
The machine didn’t answer.
Albert pressed the intercom.
A voice responded.
“Good morning, Park & Pay Again. This is Trevor Clamp.”
“Why am I paying 50p for a ticket?”
“Ticket production costs, sir.”
“Can I enter without one?”
“Certainly.”
Albert relaxed.
“Ticketless Entry Administration — £1.”
He took the ticket.
Looking for a Space
Albert drove onto Level One.
Every space was occupied.
His dashboard app beeped.
SPACE SEARCH ACTIVATED — 50p PER MINUTE
Albert stopped the car.
The timer continued.
He telephoned Trevor.
“Why am I being charged while looking for somewhere to park?”
“Because you’re using the car park.”
“But I haven’t parked!”
“You’re using it horizontally.”
Albert wasn’t entirely sure what this meant.
Neither, he suspected, was Trevor.
Level Two
Albert drove up the ramp.
His phone beeped.
FLOOR CHANGE — £1
He reached Level Two.
Full.
Level Three.
FLOOR CHANGE — £1
Full.
Level Four.
FLOOR CHANGE — £1
One space remained.
Unfortunately, somebody had parked a Range Rover across approximately one and three-quarter spaces.
Albert squeezed beside it.
His driver’s door wouldn’t open.
Premium Spaces
Albert noticed several completely empty spaces nearby.
They were marked:
PREMIUM PARKING
He moved the car.
A sensor flashed.
PREMIUM SPACE — £3 PER HOUR
Albert called Trevor again.
“What’s premium about this space?”
“It’s wider.”
“Why aren’t all the spaces wide enough?”
“If they were, sir, these wouldn’t be premium.”
Albert wrote this down.
It was excellent.
Parking Between the Lines
Albert carefully positioned his car.
A camera scanned it.
PARKING QUALITY: 87%
Then:
MINOR LINE ENCROACHMENT — £2
Albert got out and looked.
His tyre was approximately one inch from the white line.
Not over it.
Near it.
He called Trevor.
“I’m inside the lines.”
“Yes, sir.”
“So why the charge?”
“You’ve entered the Line Proximity Zone.”
“What is that?”
“Within three inches.”
“So I have to park in the middle?”
“That’s recommended.”
Albert moved the car six inches.
His phone beeped.
VEHICLE REPOSITIONING — £1
Opening the Door
Albert opened his driver’s door.
A sensor beeped.
DOOR OPENING — 25p
Albert froze.
He closed it.
DOOR CLOSING — 25p
He opened it again.
Another 25p.
By the time Albert physically escaped from his vehicle, the door had cost him 75p.
He climbed out through the passenger side when he returned.
Unfortunately:
UNCONVENTIONAL VEHICLE EXIT — £1.50
Walking to the Shops
Albert headed towards the pedestrian exit.
A turnstile blocked the way.
CAR PARK PEDESTRIAN EXIT — 50p
He paid.
A sign underneath read:
RETURN ENTRY — 50p
Albert stared at it.
“So it costs me to leave my car and costs me to come back?”
Trevor’s voice suddenly came through a nearby speaker.
“Correct, sir.”
Albert looked around.
“Are you watching me?”
“CCTV operates throughout the car park.”
“Is that free?”
There was a pause.
“Currently.”
Albert hurried away before somebody changed their mind.
Albert Returns
Forty minutes later, Albert returned carrying groceries.
He paid 50p to re-enter the car park.
He reached his vehicle.
A notice had been placed under the windscreen wiper.
Albert’s heart sank.
It wasn’t a fine.
It was worse.
WINDSCREEN NOTICE PLACEMENT — £1
Albert read it.
YOUR VEHICLE HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED AS REQUIRING CLEANING.
Would you like our £12 Express Car Wash?
Albert selected NO on the QR code.
His phone beeped.
CAR WASH DECLINE — £1
The Shopping Bags
Albert opened the boot.
BOOT OPENING — 50p
He put his shopping inside.
The boot remained open for approximately 40 seconds.
EXTENDED BOOT OCCUPANCY — £1
Albert slammed it shut.
His phone beeped.
AGGRESSIVE BOOT CLOSURE — £2
Albert apologised to the car.
Nothing happened.
Finally, something was free.
Paying for Parking
Albert approached the payment machine.
His actual parking time was:
58 MINUTES
Parking charge:
£1
Excellent.
Then the machine displayed:
Entry — £2
Ticket — 50p
Space searching — £4
Floor changes — £3
Premium space — £3
Line proximity — £2
Vehicle repositioning — £1
Door usage — 75p
Pedestrian exit — 50p
Pedestrian return — 50p
Windscreen notice — £1
Car wash decline — £1
Boot opening — 50p
Extended boot usage — £1
Aggressive boot closure — £2
TOTAL: £23.75
Albert stared at the machine.
He had parked for less than one hour.
The parking itself cost £1.
Everything associated with parking cost another £22.75.
Paying the Bill
Albert inserted his debit card.
The machine displayed:
CARD PROCESSING — 50p
He cancelled.
TRANSACTION CANCELLATION — 50p
Albert tried cash.
CASH HANDLING — £1
He returned to card.
Another 50p.
The machine then asked:
WOULD YOU LIKE A RECEIPT?
Albert selected NO.
PAPERLESS ENVIRONMENTAL CONTRIBUTION — 25p
He selected YES instead.
RECEIPT PRINTING — 50p
Albert selected NO again.
CHANGE OF RECEIPT PREFERENCE — 25p
Albert stopped touching the screen.
Leaving the Car Park
Albert drove towards the exit.
The barrier remained closed.
A screen displayed:
EXIT VALIDATION — £1
Albert paid.
Nothing happened.
He pressed the assistance button.
Trevor answered.
“Problem, sir?”
“The barrier won’t open.”
“Have you paid the Exit Validation?”
“Yes.”
“Excellent.”
“So open the barrier.”
“Barrier Opening is separate.”
Albert closed his eyes.
“How much?”
“£2.”
Albert paid.
The barrier rose.
He accelerated towards freedom.
His phone beeped.
RAPID CAR PARK DEPARTURE — £3
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after discovering Park & Pay Again’s newest product:
UNLIMITED PARKING — JUST £49.99 A MONTH
The package includes:
Unlimited entry.
Unlimited space searching.
Free floor changes.
Free door opening.
Free pedestrian access.
No line-proximity penalties.
And unlimited parking.
Albert was impressed.
“So for £49.99, I can park whenever I want?”
Trevor hesitated.
“Subject to availability.”
“What happens if there aren’t any spaces?”
“You can purchase Priority Space Finding.”
“How much?”
“£19.99 a month.”
Albert sighed.
“And does that guarantee a space?”
“No.”
“What does it guarantee?”
“That we’ll help you look.”
Albert cancelled the conversation.
His phone beeped.
CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL TERMINATION — £2
Albert drove home.
The following morning, an envelope arrived.
Inside was a photograph of his car leaving the car park.
Underneath:
FAILURE TO SAY THANK YOU ON EXIT — £10
Albert telephoned Trevor.
“This is ridiculous!”
“Would you like to appeal?”
“Yes!”
“Appeal Submission — £20.”
Albert hung up.
Another notification appeared.
CALL TERMINATION — £2
Albert has now decided to walk everywhere.
Unfortunately, Park & Pay Again has just bought the pavement outside his house.
A new sign went up this morning: