Airline Introduces £15 Charge for Using the Overhead Locker — Looking for Space Costs £3
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Airline passengers have reacted angrily after a budget carrier introduced a revolutionary new pricing system that charges travellers separately for almost every part of being on an aeroplane.
The scheme has been launched by CheapoJet Airways, whose website proudly advertises:
FLY TO SPAIN FROM £12.99!
And it is absolutely true.
You can fly to Spain for £12.99.
Unfortunately, bringing yourself with you costs extra.
Albert Immerson immediately booked a flight to investigate.
His £12.99 ticket eventually cost £147.43.
And he didn’t even have a suitcase.
Booking the Flight
Albert visited the CheapoJet website.
LONDON TO ALICANTE — £12.99
Fantastic.
He clicked BOOK NOW.
A message appeared:
BOOKING FEE — £4.99
Albert paid.
Next:
ONLINE BOOKING CONVENIENCE FEE — £2.99
Albert frowned.
Surely the booking fee covered booking.
Apparently not.
Then:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHOOSE YOUR SEAT?
Albert selected NO.
RANDOM SEAT ALLOCATION — £3
He stared at the screen.
So choosing a seat cost money.
And not choosing one also cost money.
This was already promising.
The Boarding Pass
Albert downloaded his boarding pass.
DIGITAL BOARDING PASS — £2
He selected PRINT AT HOME instead.
HOME PRINTING LICENCE — £3
He returned to digital.
BOARDING PASS FORMAT CHANGE — £1
Albert hadn’t left his house yet.
He’d already spent nearly £24.
Arriving at the Airport
Albert travelled with one small backpack.
At check-in, employee Candy Cabinbag smiled.
“Good morning, sir.”
“Good morning.”
Candy placed his backpack into the baggage measuring frame.
It fitted perfectly.
“Excellent,” Albert said.
Candy nodded.
BAG MEASUREMENT FEE — £2
Albert stared at her.
“You charged me to check whether my free bag is free?”
“Yes.”
“And it is free?”
“Absolutely.”
“So I don’t pay anything?”
“Except the £2 verification.”
Albert was beginning to appreciate the system.
Security
Albert reached airport security.
He removed his belt, shoes, watch, phone and dignity.
A member of staff pointed towards the plastic trays.
SECURITY TRAY RENTAL — £1
Albert paid.
He placed his belongings inside.
“Second tray?”
“No.”
“Excellent.”
The security officer looked disappointed.
Albert walked through the scanner.
It beeped.
He was sent back.
His pocket contained a 10p coin.
The officer confiscated it temporarily.
REPEAT SECURITY SCAN — £1
Albert removed the coin and walked through again.
No beep.
“Thank you,” Albert said.
The officer smiled.
Albert immediately remembered the bank investigation.
Fortunately, airport politeness remained free.
For now.
Boarding Begins
The announcement came:
“CheapoJet flight 417 to Alicante is now boarding.”
Albert joined the queue.
A member of staff scanned his boarding pass.
BOARDING PASS SCAN — £1
Albert looked at the scanner.
“What’s the £2 digital boarding pass charge for?”
“Having the boarding pass.”
“And this £1?”
“Using it.”
Albert wrote this down.
Excellent.
Priority Boarding
Albert noticed passengers walking past him through another lane.
“What’s that?”
“Priority Boarding.”
“How much?”
“£12.”
“What do they get?”
“They board before you.”
“Does the aircraft leave earlier?”
“No.”
“Do they arrive earlier?”
“No.”
“So they pay £12 to sit on the aircraft longer?”
The employee smiled.
“Exactly.”
Albert stayed in the cheap queue.
Finding His Seat
Albert boarded and found seat 29B.
Middle seat.
Of course.
He sat down.
A screen on the seat in front illuminated:
SEAT OCCUPANCY DETECTED
Albert froze.
Then:
STANDARD SEAT USE — £4
He called the flight attendant.
“I’ve already bought a ticket!”
“Yes, sir.”
“So why am I paying for the seat?”
“Your ticket covers transportation.”
“Where am I supposed to be transported?”
“On the aircraft.”
“Standing?”
“Standing isn’t currently permitted by aviation regulations.”
Albert nodded.
“So I’m legally required to buy the seat?”
“That’s one way of looking at it.”
The Overhead Locker
Albert placed his backpack under the seat.
The passenger beside him tried putting a small suitcase in the overhead locker.
A light flashed.
OVERHEAD STORAGE — £15
The passenger shouted:
“Fifteen pounds?”
The flight attendant nodded.
“You can keep it under your seat.”
“It doesn’t fit.”
“Then the overhead locker is ideal.”
The passenger reluctantly paid.
He opened three lockers looking for space.
His phone beeped.
OVERHEAD SPACE SEARCH — £3
“What’s THAT?”
“You opened more than one locker.”
The passenger stopped asking questions.
The Safety Demonstration
The cabin crew began demonstrating the seatbelt.
Albert watched carefully.
A notification appeared on his phone.
PREMIUM SAFETY INFORMATION — £2
Albert called the attendant again.
“Surely the safety demonstration is compulsory?”
“Yes.”
“Then why am I paying?”
“Watching is optional.”
“What happens if I don’t watch?”
“You may not know what to do during an emergency.”
“Is there a refund if the plane crashes?”
“No.”
Albert watched.
Take-Off
The aircraft taxied towards the runway.
The captain announced:
“Cabin crew, prepare for take-off.”
Albert’s screen displayed:
TAKE-OFF EXPERIENCE — £3
Albert almost pressed DECLINE.
Then wondered what would happen.
He asked the flight attendant.
“If I don’t pay, does the plane still take off?”
“Of course.”
“So what’s the £3 for?”
“Experiencing it.”
“How do I avoid experiencing it?”
She handed him an eye mask.
Eye Mask Rental — £2.
Albert paid the extra pound and watched.
Drinks Service
Thirty minutes into the flight, Albert was thirsty.
“Water, please.”
“Still or sparkling?”
“Tap.”
The flight attendant looked horrified.
“We’re on an aircraft, sir.”
“Cheapest water you’ve got.”
She handed him a tiny bottle.
“£3.50.”
Albert paid.
“Would you like a cup?”
“Is it free?”
“50p.”
“No.”
“Would you like us to remove the bottle cap?”
Albert hesitated.
“How much?”
“25p.”
He opened it himself.
SELF-SERVICE BEVERAGE PREPARATION — 50p
Albert stared at her.
“You charged me MORE for doing it myself?”
“It discourages passengers from interfering with airline equipment.”
“It’s a bottle cap!”
“Airline bottle cap.”
Using the Toilet
After drinking the water, Albert needed the toilet.
He walked to the rear of the aircraft.
A contactless reader was attached to the door.
TOILET ACCESS — £2
Albert paid.
Inside:
TOILET PAPER — 50p
HAND WASH — 50p
SOAP — 25p
HAND DRYER — 50p
Albert completed the entire operation for £3.75.
On leaving, his phone beeped.
TOILET OCCUPANCY OVER 4 MINUTES — £1
Albert had apparently taken too long.
He considered explaining what he’d been doing.
He decided against it.
Looking Out of the Window
Back at seat 29B, Albert leaned slightly towards the passenger beside him to look out of the window.
Beautiful clouds.
Mediterranean Sea.
Spanish coastline.
His phone beeped.
WINDOW VIEWING — £2
Albert immediately sat upright.
“How did you know?”
The flight attendant pointed upwards.
A tiny sensor was watching him.
“Passenger Experience Monitoring.”
Albert closed his eyes.
“Is that free?”
“Yes.”
He kept them closed for the next twenty minutes.
Landing in Spain
The captain announced:
“We’ll shortly be landing in Alicante.”
Albert’s screen illuminated.
STANDARD LANDING — INCLUDED
Albert nearly applauded.
Finally.
Then another option appeared:
SMOOTH LANDING UPGRADE — £5
Albert laughed.
The aircraft hit the runway with an enormous bump.
Several passengers screamed.
Albert looked at the flight attendant.
She smiled.
“Standard landing.”
Leaving the Aircraft
The plane stopped.
Everyone immediately stood up despite the seatbelt sign still being illuminated.
Albert remained seated.
His phone beeped.
DELAYED DISEMBARKATION — £2
He stood.
Another message:
AISLE OCCUPANCY — £1
Albert squeezed into the queue.
It didn’t move.
Five minutes passed.
EXTENDED AISLE OCCUPANCY — £2
Albert couldn’t believe it.
“You told me to stand!”
“Yes.”
“And now you’re charging me because the queue isn’t moving?”
“Correct.”
“Can I sit back down?”
“Seat Reoccupation — £3.”
Albert stayed standing.
The Final Bill
Albert’s £12.99 flight had become:
Flight — £12.99
Booking fee — £4.99
Online convenience — £2.99
Random seat allocation — £3
Digital boarding pass — £2
Boarding pass format change — £1
Bag verification — £2
Security tray — £1
Repeat security scan — £1
Boarding pass scan — £1
Seat occupancy — £4
Safety demonstration — £2
Take-off experience — £3
Water — £3.50
Self-service bottle opening — 50p
Toilet — £2
Toilet extras — £1.25
Extended toilet occupancy — £1
Window viewing — £2
Delayed disembarkation — £2
Aisle occupancy — £3
Albert calculated it twice.
Then he noticed several more administrative fees on the emailed receipt.
TOTAL: £147.43
He approached Candy at the arrivals desk.
“My £12.99 flight cost £147.43!”
Candy smiled.
“But the flight was still £12.99.”
Albert couldn’t argue with that.
Technically.
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after discovering CheapoJet’s latest offer:
ALL-INCLUSIVE FLYING — £199
It includes:
Ticket.
Seat.
Cabin bag.
Overhead locker.
Water.
Toilet.
Window viewing.
Boarding.
Take-off.
Landing.
And absolutely NO EXTRA CHARGES.
Albert was astonished.
“Everything included?”
“Everything.”
“No booking fee?”
“No.”
“No seat fee?”
“No.”
“No toilet fee?”
“No.”
“Excellent. I’ll book it.”
Candy handed him the card machine.
ALL-INCLUSIVE PACKAGE ACTIVATION — £29.99
Albert stared at her.
“I thought there were no extra charges.”
“There aren’t.”
“What the hell is £29.99?”
“That’s not a charge.”
“What is it?”
Candy smiled.
“It’s an activation.”
Albert walked away.
His phone beeped.
PASSENGER WALKING AWAY WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE — £2.
Albert turned around.
“GOODBYE!”
Another beep.
VERBAL FAREWELL — £3.
Albert has decided to swim back to Britain.
CheapoJet wishes him the very best.
Although they’ve just introduced a new: