Funeral Director Launches Early Booking Discount — “Book Before Friday and We’ll Throw in the Flowers”
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
A funeral company has caused considerable alarm after launching Britain’s first Early Bird Funeral Sale, encouraging perfectly healthy customers to book their funerals before Friday to receive a range of complimentary extras.
The promotion appeared outside Rest in Peace & Sons Funeral Directors beneath an enormous banner:
DON’T LEAVE IT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!
BOOK YOUR FUNERAL TODAY — SAVE £500!
And underneath:
FREE FLOWERS IF YOU BOOK BEFORE FRIDAY!
Albert Immerson immediately went to investigate.
He was slightly concerned by how pleased the receptionist seemed to see him.
“Have You Considered Tuesday?”
Funeral director Reginald Coffin greeted Albert warmly.
“Good morning, sir. Have you come to make arrangements?”
“No. I’m investigating your special offer.”
Reginald looked disappointed.
“Are you sure? We’ve got Tuesday available.”
Albert explained that, as far as he knew, he wasn’t planning to die on Tuesday.
“That’s perfectly normal,” Reginald assured him. “Most of our customers haven’t decided on a date when they first come in.”
He handed Albert a glossy brochure.
THE SOONER YOU GO, THE MORE YOU SAVE!
Choose Your Package
The company’s new pricing structure offered three levels.
BASIC DEPARTURE — £1,995
Includes coffin, funeral vehicle and one reasonably solemn-looking employee.
PREMIUM DEPARTURE — £3,995
Includes upgraded coffin, flowers, six professional mourners and somebody at the back saying:
“He was one of the best.”
PLATINUM SEND-OFF — £6,995
Includes everything above, plus a luxury hearse, unlimited flowers, dramatic organ music and guaranteed rain for atmosphere.
Albert noticed some small print.
“What does ‘professional mourners’ mean?”
“We hire people to attend.”
“Why?”
“Nobody wants an empty funeral.”
“What if I already have friends?”
Reginald frowned.
“We’d need to see evidence.”
Optional Extras
Albert turned the page.
Things became considerably more interesting.
Someone Crying Loudly — £75
Someone Crying Uncontrollably — £125
Mysterious Woman in Black Standing at Back — £199
Family Argument Near the Exit — £250
Person Nobody Recognises — £49
Someone Saying “It’s What He Would Have Wanted” — £35
Albert pointed to the final item.
“How do you know what I would have wanted?”
Reginald smiled.
“We say it at every funeral.”
The Coffin Upgrade
Reginald then showed Albert the coffin showroom.
The cheapest model appeared perfectly respectable.
“That’s included in the Basic package,” he explained.
Albert opened the lid.
There was no bottom.
“Where’s the rest of it?”
“Bottom panel is part of the Comfort Upgrade.”
“How much?”
“£295.”
Albert stared at him.
“So without the upgrade…”
Reginald nodded.
“We strongly recommend carrying the deceased very carefully.”
Early Booking Bonus
Customers paying in full before Friday receive free flowers.
Albert examined them.
They were plastic.
“Those aren’t real.”
“We never said they were.”
The company also offers a Refer-a-Friend Scheme.
Albert stopped writing.
“I’m sorry?”
“If you recommend somebody who subsequently books a funeral, you both receive £100 off.”
Albert looked horrified.
“How exactly do I recommend someone for a funeral?”
Reginald handed him several business cards.
“Discreetly.”
Loyalty Points
The company’s most controversial innovation is its new loyalty programme.
Every £1 spent earns one Resting Point.
Albert asked what happened when customers accumulated 10,000 points.
“You receive a free funeral.”
“But surely I’ve already paid for one.”
“Correct.”
“So what do I do with the second one?”
Reginald brightened.
“They’re transferable.”
Albert quietly put the loyalty card back on the desk.
Cancellation Policy
Albert then asked the obvious question.
“What happens if somebody books early and doesn’t die?”
Reginald sighed.
“It does happen.”
“Can they get a refund?”
“Certainly.”
“Excellent.”
“Subject to our £750 Continued Living Administration Fee.”
Albert blinked.
“You charge people for staying alive?”
“We prefer to call it a postponement.”
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after Reginald offered him an additional £250 discount if he could guarantee completion of the booking within 30 days.
Albert declined.
Reginald handed him a business card anyway.
As Albert walked through the door, Reginald shouted after him:
“Don’t forget—the flowers offer ends Friday!”
Albert turned around.
“I’m hoping I don’t.”
Reginald smiled.
“No problem, sir. We’ll keep your details on file.”
Albert has since reported receiving three emails.
The latest was entitled:
YOU LEFT SOMETHING IN YOUR BASKET — YOUR FUNERAL IS WAITING