DODGY SCAMS INVESTIGATES
Estate Agent Charges £25,000 Extra for a “Sea View” — Using Binoculars From the Chimney
By Ben Doon, Chief Crime Correspondent
A couple searching for their dream home have accused an estate agent of stretching the meaning of “stunning sea views” after discovering that the sea can only be seen by climbing onto the roof, standing on the chimney and looking through a powerful pair of binoculars.
The three-bedroom semi-detached house was advertised at £349,950, including a £25,000 premium for its “spectacular coastal outlook.”
There was just one problem.
The house is 37 miles from the sea.
“You Can Definitely See It”
Estate agent Sebastian Gloss assured prospective buyers that the description was completely accurate.
“We never said you could see the sea from inside the house.”
Ben Doon was immediately dispatched to investigate.
On arrival, Sebastian handed him a ladder, safety helmet, pair of binoculars and a document entitled:
SEA VIEW VIEWING INSTRUCTIONS
Albert climbed through the loft, squeezed through a skylight, crawled across approximately six metres of roof tiles and eventually reached the chimney.
“Now look southwest,” shouted Sebastian from the garden.
Albert looked.
He saw a Tesco.
“Little further left.”
Albert moved the binoculars.
He saw a motorway.
“Keep going.”
Albert eventually spotted something blue on the horizon.
“THERE!” screamed Sebastian.
It was a tarpaulin covering a skip.
Eventually, Success
After another twelve minutes, Albert finally saw what appeared to be a tiny strip of water approximately the width of a digestive biscuit.
Sebastian was delighted.
“Magnificent, isn’t it?”
Albert wasn’t convinced.
He asked whether buyers were expected to climb onto the chimney every morning to enjoy their £25,000 view.
“Not necessarily,” Sebastian replied.
“We offer an optional Sea View Accessibility Package.”
For £3,995, the estate agency will supply a permanent ladder.
Binoculars are extra.
Other Exciting Features
Albert decided to examine the rest of the property particulars.
The house was described as having:
“Generous off-road parking.”
This turned out to mean the front lawn.
“Excellent transport links.”
A bus passes every Wednesday.
“Cosy third bedroom.”
Albert opened the door.
It was a cupboard containing a boiler.
“Potential fourth bedroom.”
That was the shed.
And the advertised “luxury landscaped garden” consisted of three paving slabs, a broken wheelbarrow and a plastic flamingo called Derek.
Sebastian remained enthusiastic.
“It’s all about lifestyle.”
The Ultimate Discovery
Albert then noticed another claim:
“Within walking distance of the beach.”
“How long does that take?” he asked.
Sebastian smiled.
“About eleven hours.”
Albert stared at him.
“So technically, everywhere in Britain is within walking distance of the beach?”
Sebastian’s eyes widened.
He immediately pulled out his phone.
“That is absolutely brilliant.”
Within twenty minutes, the estate agency had updated another 146 properties.
A two-bedroom flat in Birmingham was now advertised as:
COASTAL LIVING — £40,000 SEA VIEW PREMIUM.
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after discovering the estate agent had also added a £750 Binocular Administration Fee to the purchase.
Sebastian later issued a statement:
“Property descriptions are about helping buyers imagine possibilities.”
Ben agreed.
Because anyone paying an extra £25,000 for that sea view would need a very good imagination indeed.