Mechanic Introduces £40 Charge Just to Open Your Bonnet
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Motorists have been warned about an innovative new pricing system introduced by a garage where mechanics now charge customers £40 simply to open the bonnet.
Actually looking underneath it costs extra.
The scheme was discovered after pensioner Arthur Crankshaft took his car into Honest Dave’s Auto Repairs because a warning light had appeared on his dashboard.
“I thought they’d plug something into the car and tell me what was wrong,” Arthur explained.
“They did.”
“What did they say?”
“They said I owed them £165.”
The car hadn’t even been repaired.
Welcome to the Diagnostic Journey
Garage owner Dave Spanner explained that modern vehicle repairs are considerably more complicated than customers realise.
“We don’t just open a bonnet,” he said.
“We provide a Premium Engine Access Experience.”
Albert Immerson asked Dave to explain.
Dave produced the price list.
Bonnet Opening — £40
Looking Under Bonnet — £35
Mechanic Scratching Head — £18
Saying ‘Hmmmm’ — £12
Calling Another Mechanic Over — £22
Second Mechanic Saying ‘Hmmmm’ — £14
Plugging Computer In — £55
Unplugging Computer — £17.50
Albert stared at the list.
“What happens if you actually repair something?”
Dave smiled.
“That’s when it starts getting expensive.”
The £90 Oil Change
Another customer, Sandra Clutch, had visited the garage for a simple oil change advertised outside for £29.99.
Her final bill was £214.
Albert examined the invoice.
It included:
Oil change — £29.99
Oil — £42
Removing old oil — £28
Disposal of old oil — £19
Opening bonnet — £40
Closing bonnet — £25
Environmental administration — £15
Mechanic’s hand-cleaning fee — £7
Complimentary air freshener — £8
Sandra pointed to the final item.
“How can a complimentary air freshener cost £8?”
Dave explained patiently.
“The air freshener is free.”
“So what’s the £8?”
“Installation.”
Albert checked.
It was hanging from the rear-view mirror.
The Mysterious Warning Light
Arthur’s original problem eventually turned out to be remarkably simple.
His windscreen washer fluid was low.
Dave recommended replacing the entire windscreen washer system for £640.
Albert asked whether filling the bottle with washer fluid might solve the problem.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
One mechanic dropped a spanner.
Dave looked offended.
“We don’t encourage temporary repairs.”
The Courtesy Car
Customers leaving vehicles overnight can rent the garage’s courtesy car for £45 a day.
Albert inspected it.
It was a 2003 hatchback with one hubcap, 187,000 miles on the clock and a passenger window held closed with Sellotape.
“Does it come with fuel?” Albert asked.
“No.”
“Insurance?”
“£22 extra.”
“Radio?”
“£4.99.”
“Seat?”
Dave consulted his clipboard.
“Driver’s seat is included.”
Albert pointed at the passenger seat.
“That one’s part of the Comfort Package.”
Albert Sets a Trap
Albert decided to test the garage.
He parked his perfectly functioning car outside and told Dave there was a strange noise coming from the engine.
Dave listened carefully.
“Hmmm.”
Albert immediately started his stopwatch.
A second mechanic appeared.
“Hmmm.”
Within four minutes, Albert had apparently accumulated £106 in diagnostic charges.
Then Dave delivered the bad news.
“Could be serious.”
“What do you think it is?”
“Hard to say.”
Albert switched off his phone.
The strange noise stopped.
It had been an audio recording of a washing machine containing two trainers.
Dave remained completely unfazed.
“Good news,” he said.
“We’ve fixed it.”
He handed Albert an invoice for £275.
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after noticing one final item at the bottom of the bill:
CUSTOMER DECLINED REPAIRS — £35
Albert refused to pay it.
Dave nodded sympathetically and added:
PAYMENT REFUSAL ADMINISTRATION FEE — £20
Albert left immediately.
Unfortunately, he’d forgotten his car.
Retrieving it cost another £45 Vehicle Release Fee.