Britain’s First Subscription-Based Pothole
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
Residents of a quiet British street have reacted with disbelief after their local council introduced what officials are calling the country’s first subscription-based pothole.
The hole, which has occupied the middle of the road for nearly four years, is now available to residents for just £9.99 a month.
Previously, motorists could drive into it completely free of charge.
That, according to the council, was financially unsustainable.
Meet Pothole Premium+
Under the new scheme, residents can choose from three exciting membership packages.
Pothole Basic – £4.99/month
Allows one wheel to enter the pothole twice a month.
Pothole Premium – £9.99/month
Unlimited pothole access for one registered vehicle.
Pothole Family – £17.99/month
Covers up to three vehicles and includes one complimentary call to the RAC.
Motorists who hit the pothole without a subscription will automatically receive a £25 Unauthorised Road Depression Usage Charge.
Council spokesman Clive Tarmac explained:
“People have been enjoying this pothole for years without contributing towards its upkeep.”
Albert Immerson immediately asked what upkeep had actually been carried out.
Clive looked at the pothole.
Then at Albert.
Then back at the pothole.
“We put a cone next to it in 2024.”
Residents Demand Answers
Local resident Margaret Puddleton said she had already lost two tyres, one alloy wheel and most of her enthusiasm for leaving the house.
“I complained to the council six times,” she said.
“They’ve now sent me a loyalty card.”
Apparently, after ten visits to the pothole, Margaret qualifies for one free wheel alignment.
Another resident, Brian Crump, attempted to avoid the subscription by driving around the hole.
He was subsequently charged £15 for Pothole Avoidance.
“The council said I’d used the road specifically to avoid using one of their facilities,” Brian explained.
Albert Investigates
Albert arrived armed with a tape measure, notebook and emergency sausage roll.
The pothole measured approximately 80cm across and was deep enough to contain three traffic cones, a hubcap and what Albert believes may have been a small Ford Fiesta.
He then discovered something even more extraordinary.
According to council documents, repairing the pothole would cost approximately £320.
But subscription income is expected to generate £14,000 a year.
Albert confronted Clive Tarmac with the figures.
“Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to repair it?”
Clive appeared horrified.
“Repair it?”
He lowered his voice.
“That’s our best-performing road asset.”
Expansion Plans
Following the success of the scheme, the council is reportedly considering subscription services for other local amenities.
Residents may soon be offered:
Premium Pavements – £6.99 per month.
Executive Street Lighting – £3.50 per lamp.
Bin Collection Plus – your rubbish is actually collected.
And the eagerly anticipated:
Council Tax Platinum – pay even more council tax and receive absolutely nothing extra.
Meanwhile, the original pothole has now received its own identification number, QR code and customer satisfaction survey.
Albert attempted to leave the scene.
Unfortunately, his car was stuck in the pothole.
A council employee appeared almost immediately.
“Are you a Premium member, sir?”
Albert shook his head.
The employee smiled.
“That’ll be £25.”
DODGY RATING: 10/10
Albert awarded maximum marks after discovering that filling in the pothole would actually violate its subscription terms and conditions.
The council has since confirmed that cancellation requires 30 days’ notice.
From the pothole.
Can you create a funny image