The £5 Airport Breathing Surcharge

By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent

Passengers arriving at one of Britain’s busiest airports were left gasping this week after discovering that breathing inside the terminal now costs £5.

The new charge, officially described as the Passenger Atmospheric Consumption Fee, was quietly introduced at 6:00 a.m. on Monday beneath a sign saying:

WELCOME TO THE AIRPORT — OXYGEN STARTS HERE

Travellers are allowed three complimentary breaths after entering the terminal. After that, it’s £5.

“We believe this represents excellent value,” explained airport spokesman Barry Windpipe. “Our passengers expect high-quality airport air. This isn’t ordinary outside air. It’s been through an air-conditioning system.”

Premium Air Available

Passengers wanting something a little more luxurious can upgrade.

Standard Breathing costs £5, while Premium Breathing costs £8.50 and apparently contains “up to 14% more freshness.”

For £12, passengers can purchase Executive Oxygen, which allows unlimited inhaling and one complimentary sigh.

Exhaling remains free.

For now.

Albert Immerson arrived at the airport posing as a passenger travelling to Benidorm.

Within eleven minutes he’d spent £35.

“I haven’t even bought a coffee yet,” he complained.

Unfortunately, Albert then discovered the airport had introduced a £2.50 Investigative Journalism Supplement.

Families Hit Hardest

The new scheme has particularly affected families.

Father-of-three Derek Puddington told Dodgy Scams:

“We arrived four hours early. Biggest mistake of my life. The kids haven’t stopped breathing.”

Derek attempted to save money by asking his children to share breaths.

Airport security intervened immediately.

A spokesperson warned passengers that transferring oxygen between individuals breaches the airport’s Atmospheric Terms & Conditions.

Automatic Detection

New sensors positioned around the terminal can reportedly detect excessive breathing.

Anyone taking more than 18 breaths per minute automatically receives a notification:

UNUSUAL RESPIRATORY ACTIVITY DETECTED.

This is followed by a £7.50 surcharge.

Running for the departure gate is therefore strongly discouraged.

One passenger who realised his flight was boarding sprinted approximately 200 metres.

His flight cost £49.

His breathing bill was £83.50.

The Investigation Deepens

Albert eventually discovered something particularly disturbing.

The airport doesn’t actually manufacture the air.

It comes through holes in the building.

When confronted with this revelation, Barry Windpipe rejected allegations of profiteering.

“We don’t charge passengers for the air,” he explained.

“We charge them for the convenience of having it conveniently positioned around their faces.”

Albert stared at him for several seconds.

Then he wrote something in his notebook.

DODGY RATING: 9.8/10

Albert deducted 0.2 points because, technically, nobody had yet been charged for blinking.

Three hours later, the airport announced its new Passenger Eyelid Maintenance Fee.

Albert immediately restored the score to 10/10.