Entrepreneur Makes a Fortune Selling Bottled Fresh Air From the Peak District
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
DISCLAIMER: The following story is a work of satire and is entirely fictional.
A self-proclaimed entrepreneur from Derbyshire has reportedly become an overnight millionaire after convincing thousands of people to buy bottles of “100% genuine Peak District fresh air” for the bargain price of £49.99 each.
Thirty-eight-year-old Trevor “Breeze” Wainwright insists every bottle is individually filled at sunrise from “carefully selected premium hillsides” before being sealed by what he proudly describes as “highly trained oxygen technicians.”
Speaking from his newly acquired mock-Tudor mansion, Trevor explained the secret of his success.
“People have been buying bottled water for years,” he said.
“I simply thought, why not bottle the bit above it?”
Demand has apparently exploded.
Customers can now choose from an impressive range of luxury air collections including:
- Classic Peak Breeze
- Morning Sheep Meadow
- Premium Hilltop Oxygen Reserve
- Limited Edition Autumn Mist
- VIP Farmer’s Field Deluxe
The company’s newest product, “Executive Fresh Air Platinum Reserve,” retails for £199.99 and allegedly contains “extra crispness.”
Scientists asked to examine the product found nothing unusual.
“It’s… air,” admitted one researcher.
“Yes,” Trevor replied proudly.
“But it’s quality air.”
The glossy brochure promises customers numerous remarkable benefits.
According to the marketing material, inhaling just one bottle can:
- Improve your golf handicap.
- Make tea taste 17% better.
- Increase optimism.
- Add “country freshness” to city apartments.
- Convince neighbours you’ve been walking in the countryside.
One delighted fictional customer claimed he could immediately tell the difference.
“I opened the bottle in my flat in Birmingham.”
“Within seconds I imagined I could hear sheep.”
Another customer said she felt calmer.
“Although that may have been because I’d stopped looking at the price.”
Environmental groups have criticised the business, warning there is a risk the Peak District could eventually run out of air.
Trevor dismissed the concerns.
“We’re introducing a refill scheme.”
“You simply return your empty bottle and we’ll fill it again next Tuesday… weather permitting.”
Competitors are already entering the market.
One Cornish company has begun selling “Authentic Sea Breeze in a Tin.”
A Yorkshire businessman has launched “Proper Northern Air,” claiming it is “harder, tougher and considerably more sarcastic.”
Meanwhile, a London start-up is charging £299 for a tiny bottle labelled:
“Congestion-Free Air – Extremely Rare.”
As Albert Immerson left Trevor’s warehouse, he noticed dozens of employees standing on a hillside enthusiastically waving empty bottles through the breeze.
Curious, he asked whether there was any special equipment involved.
Trevor smiled.
“No.”
“We just wait until it’s a bit windy.”
He then leaned closer and whispered,
“Next month we’re launching our biggest product yet…”
“Luxury Rainwater – bottled before it even lands.”