Universal Excuses Ltd Becomes Britain’s Fastest Growing Company
“Professional Excuses Since Last Tuesday”
By Oops Oops, Truth Correspondent
A small start-up business has become one of Britain’s fastest-growing companies after discovering that there is apparently an unlimited demand for professionally written excuses.
Universal Excuses Ltd, based in the fictional town of Waffle-on-the-Wold, proudly describes itself as:
“The world’s leading supplier of premium excuses for builders, mechanics, politicians, estate agents and anyone else who’s been caught out.”
Founder Nigel Bluffington says the business idea came to him after noticing that people were recycling the same tired excuses.
“Builders have been saying ‘I’ll definitely be there tomorrow’ for decades.”
“We wanted to bring innovation to disappointment.”
The company now employs over 200 Certified Excuse Consultants, each specialising in a different industry.
🧱 Builders’ Department
Popular excuses include:
- “The concrete is emotionally unstable today.”
- “My spirit level has lost confidence.”
- “The cement needs counselling.”
- “I’m just waiting for a screw.”
- “I’ll definitely start next Monday.”
Customers can even purchase the Deluxe Builder Pack, containing twelve different versions of:
“I’m only five minutes away.”
🔧 Mechanics’ Department
Universal Excuses claims its mechanics’ collection is one of its best sellers.
Examples include:
- “It passed the test when we looked at it.”
- “Your gearbox has developed trust issues.”
- “The engine is allergic to Mondays.”
- “We’ve identified another problem while identifying another problem.”
The company’s premium package guarantees at least three additional faults will be discovered before collection.
🏛 Politicians’ Department
The political range has become so successful that the company recently doubled production.
Best sellers include:
- “My comments were taken completely out of context.”
- “That’s not what I meant.”
- “I don’t recall saying that.”
- “Lessons will be learned.”
- “Moving forward…”
The Election Special Edition also includes:
“Mistakes were made.”
Without actually saying who made them.
🏠 Estate Agents’ Collection
Perhaps the most imaginative range of all.
Descriptions include:
- “Compact executive residence.”
- “Cosy family home.”
- “Character property.”
- “Excellent potential.”
- “Requires a little imagination.”
Albert Immerson later discovered one property described as:
“Open-plan living.”
The roof was missing.
💻 Customer Service Pack
Universal Excuses has even launched a version for internet companies.
Popular downloads include:
- “We’re experiencing higher-than-normal demand.”
- “Your call is important to us.”
- “Our engineers are investigating.”
- “This issue affects only a small number of customers.”
That “small number” was later confirmed to be everyone.
Business has become so successful that Universal Excuses recently floated on the stock market.
Their annual report proudly announced:
“We achieved all our targets…”
Before adding:
**”…well, nearly.”
The company has also introduced a subscription service called Excuse+, giving members unlimited access to over 50,000 professionally written excuses.
For an additional monthly fee, customers receive:
- Emergency Bank Holiday excuses.
- Christmas delay excuses.
- Weather-related excuses.
- AI-generated excuses.
- A 24-hour “Blame Someone Else” hotline.
As Albert Immerson toured the headquarters, he noticed one room was permanently empty.
“What happens in there?” he asked.
Nigel smiled.
“That’s where Accounts work.”
Albert looked around.
“I can’t see anyone.”
Nigel nodded.
“They’re working from home.”
Albert asked if they actually were.
Nigel thought for a moment before replying,
“We’re currently preparing an explanation.”
Before leaving, Albert asked Nigel what had made Universal Excuses so successful.
Nigel leaned back in his chair and smiled.
“To be honest…”
“We were going to answer that question…”
“…but something unexpected came up.”
“And if that’s not good enough…”
“…we’ve got another 49,999 excuses ready to go.”