Tod Blancke Opens Fake Scam Call Centre to Investigate Scam Call Centres
DISCLAIMER: The following story is a work of satire and is entirely fictional or Maybe Not!!.
Self-appointed fraud investigator Tod Blancke has caused complete confusion across the international scam community after opening what he proudly describes as “the world’s first fake fake scam call centre.”
The purpose?
To investigate genuine scam call centres… by pretending to be one himself.
Speaking from his newly rented office, complete with second-hand desks, flickering fluorescent lights and a sign reading “Definitely Genuine Financial Security Department,” Tod explained his ambitious plan.
“You can’t catch scammers by thinking like a victim.”
“You have to think like a scammer pretending not to be a scammer pretending to be a victim.”
Nobody understood what he meant.
Not even Tod.
Within hours of opening, the phones began ringing continuously.
The first caller announced:
“Hello Sir, I am calling from your bank.”
Tod immediately replied,
“No, you’re not.”
The caller paused.
“Actually… neither are you.”
Both men fell silent.
After thirty seconds they simultaneously accused each other of being fraudsters before hanging up.
The second caller offered Tod an investment in an imaginary cryptocurrency backed entirely by optimism.
Tod interrupted.
“I’m already investigating that scam.”
“So am I,” replied the caller.
“Really?”
“Yes. I’m undercover.”
By lunchtime the office had become complete chaos.
Half the staff believed they were investigating scammers.
The other half thought they had accidentally become one.
Meanwhile, Tod proudly unveiled his state-of-the-art training programme.
New recruits were taught:
- How to sound convincing while reading complete nonsense.
- The correct pronunciation of “kindly.”
- How to place customers on hold for dramatic effect.
- Advanced techniques in pretending to transfer calls.
- The art of apologising for problems that don’t exist.
His biggest breakthrough came when another scam call centre telephoned offering him employment.
“We’ve been monitoring your work,” the manager explained.
“We’ve never heard anyone sound so suspicious.”
Tod accepted immediately.
“I’m going undercover.”
Three weeks later he returned with absolutely no useful information.
“I forgot I was investigating them.”
His office eventually became so convincing that genuine scammers started avoiding it.
One internal memo leaked to Dodgy Scams read:
“Do not call the Blancke Organisation. They’re either investigators or completely incompetent. We can’t tell which.”
Interpol reportedly became aware of the operation after receiving complaints from professional fraudsters claiming someone was “bringing the industry into disrepute.”
Tod remained optimistic.
“This proves we’re making progress.”
Albert Immerson later visited the office disguised as a potential victim.
Before he could introduce himself, he received three separate phone calls.
The first claimed to be from HMRC.
The second said his computer had a virus.
The third congratulated him on winning an imaginary lottery.
When Albert asked Tod if he was responsible, Tod looked genuinely offended.
“Absolutely not.”
“We’re still in training.”
As Albert prepared to leave, the office manager proudly handed him a leaflet advertising their new investigation service.
It read:
“Think you’ve been scammed?
Call our investigators today…
Please note: We may answer pretending to be someone else.”
Nobody has heard from Tod since.
Although several people have received calls from someone claiming to be “Tod from the Department of Scam Investigation Investigation Department.”