Donald Trump Launches “Absolutely Tremendous Investment Fund” Promising Rubber Doll Returns

By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent

DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of satire. It is entirely fictional.

In what financial experts have described as “one of the most unusual investment announcements ever imagined,” a fictional version of Donald Trump has unveiled the “Absolutely Tremendous Investment Fund,” promising investors “returns so incredible you’ll be talking about them for decades.”

At a lavish imaginary press conference, the fictional Trump assured supporters that every investment, no matter how large or small, would be repaid in exactly five years, together with an exclusive limited-edition inflatable rubber doll bearing his likeness.

“It’s going to be the greatest investment fund ever,” the fictional Trump declared.

“People are saying they’ve never seen anything like it. Nobody knows investments better than me. Nobody knows rubber dolls better than me either.”

According to the entirely fictional promotional brochure, investors are encouraged to contribute “whatever they can afford,” with payment accepted through “the most tremendous online payment systems ever invented.”

The brochure also promises:

• A personalised “Certificate of Tremendous Confidence.”
• A signed photograph (signature quality not guaranteed).
• Priority access to future imaginary investment opportunities.
• A complimentary “Make Investments Great Again” baseball cap.
• The now-famous inflatable rubber doll, complete with removable red tie.

Financial journalists immediately questioned how the fictional fund intended to generate returns.

“It’s very simple,” replied the imaginary spokesperson.

“We’re investing heavily in optimism.”

Economists attending the fictional launch appeared puzzled.

One whispered, “I’ve read the prospectus three times and still can’t work out what the fund actually invests in.”

Another admitted, “It seems to consist mainly of motivational quotes, gold-coloured clip art and exclamation marks.”

The investment brochure itself reportedly contains over 400 uses of the word “tremendous” but no mention of actual financial assets.

Meanwhile, collectors have already expressed more interest in the complimentary rubber doll than the investment itself.

The doll allegedly features a tiny button on its back that randomly shouts:

“Believe me!”

“I have the best deals!”

“Everyone says so!”

“It’s going to be huge!”

Toy manufacturers estimate that replacement hair may become the fastest-selling accessory.

As Albert Immerson prepared to leave the fictional press conference, he asked whether there were any risks associated with the imaginary investment.

The spokesman smiled confidently.

“Only one.”

“If you read this article and think it’s real, you probably shouldn’t be making investment decisions in the first place.”