Estate Agent in Oxford Describes Condemned Building as “Full of Character and Unlimited Potential”
By Albert Immerson, Chief Crime Correspondent
A property in Oxford that has been officially condemned, declared structurally unsafe and described by one surveyor as “a stiff breeze away from becoming a car park” has been enthusiastically marketed by a local estate agent as being “full of character and unlimited potential.”
The three-bedroom Victorian property, affectionately nicknamed “The Leaning House of Oxford,” boasts a roof that resembles a ski slope, walls that appear to have lost an argument with gravity and a front door that opens only if pushed with “a positive attitude.”
Despite these minor features, the asking price is an astonishing £975,000.
The sales brochure describes the property as:
“A unique opportunity to acquire a charming period residence with original architectural features and exciting renovation possibilities.”
Potential buyers soon discovered that the “original architectural features” referred to windows that no longer contained glass, floorboards that doubled as trampolines and a chimney that had emigrated into the neighbour’s garden.
One hopeful couple attended a viewing only to discover that the upstairs bathroom had become the downstairs dining room.
“It certainly has an open-plan feel,” admitted one visitor while climbing over a pile of bricks to reach the kitchen.
The estate agent remained remarkably optimistic throughout the tour.
“This magnificent property enjoys excellent natural ventilation,” he explained as a gust of wind removed half the roof.
“And as you can see, the rear garden flows seamlessly into the lounge.”
Structural engineers later confirmed there was no actual lounge remaining.
Neighbours claim the building has been abandoned for over fifteen years.
“We were surprised to see someone trying to sell it,” said one resident.
“Last week a family of pigeons viewed it and decided it needed too much work.”
The glossy sales details also listed numerous impressive features, including:
- Original creaking floorboards.
- Historic damp dating back to the Victorian era.
- Authentic leaning walls.
- Flexible roof positioning.
- Panoramic views through missing windows.
- Indoor wildlife already established.
One prospective buyer asked whether the house had central heating.
“It doesn’t really need it,” replied the agent.
“The holes in the walls allow warm thoughts to circulate freely.”
The property’s Energy Performance Certificate proved equally impressive.
Instead of the normal A to G rating, inspectors simply wrote:
“Good luck.”
Local historians have become fascinated by the house after discovering it has survived four owners, seven surveyors and one particularly determined ivy plant.
Meanwhile, the estate agent remains confident of finding the right buyer.
“We’ve already had considerable interest,” he revealed.
“Three television production companies, two ghost hunters, a demolition contractor and someone looking for a realistic zombie film set.”
As Albert Immerson was leaving the viewing, the estate agent handed him a brochure and whispered:
“If you think this one’s impressive, wait until you see next week’s listing.”
“It’s a burnt-out garage we’re describing as a luxury detached bungalow with panoramic skylights.“